Reasonably Chubby

I did a Marathon! Whoo-Hoo, and Bring on the French Fries!

2012-01-10T17:43:00.000-06:00

6 hours and 45 minutes later, I'd crawled my way to the finish line.

How IN. THE. WORLD. DID. SHE. DO. IT? you ask?
French Fries. and lots and lots of motivational speeches that I randomly gave myself throughout the race.

But mostly it was the promise of french fries. And a million dollars. (One little lie I told myself during the last leg of the race-try it! It really works!)

And the promise of a beautiful, golden Mickey Medal . I knew I couldn't go home without one. So, basically it was either get that damn Mickey Medal or be forced to be homeless and live a life of utter and complete shame all the rest of my days.

Yep, that's the one that got me.
Did I mention french fries?

Bring on the Magic! It's Marathon Time!

2012-01-05T13:17:00.000-06:00

It's the New Year and I ate a goat-cheese sandwich.

Yes, folks, its come to this. I'm lookin' for some magic!
How else do you expect me to even attempt to finish the upcoming Disney Marathon that I've signed up for, and in fact will be here in....*gasp*!...2 more days!

Paper bag, please, quickly, my lungs are about to collapse.

People, do you realize its 26.2 miles looooonnnngggg??? How could you let me? Why didn't you immediately order the straight jacket and the dudes with the big long needles?

I know what I said... 'I'm training, I believe in myself'' PHooey. Balooey, mo-mo Kapooey! What a bunch of high pitched nasal drivel!
Breathe....Breathe....Breathe....Yes, I'm in labor....I'M TRYING TO GET THE FEAR OUT OF ME!

Fine. Whatever. I've heard pistachios are miracle workers...and lemon juice cures large warts...and eating bark off trees will give you more stamina than you ever thought possible. All I know for sure: Candy is the most important ingredient of LIFE. Without it, you can't do anything. Thank goodness I have some Hot Tamales hidden in my dresser drawer. Sheesh!

Next time you see me, I'll be:
1. Dead OR
2. Lazily relaxing in the hotel hot-tub after being picked up and forced out of the race by the 'follow the rules' Disney enforcers because I was going wayyyyy tooooo slllloooooowwwww. OR
3. Grinning like a Chesire Cat, trying to sell my newly won Mickey Medal on ebay because I heard its real gold. Or maybe I just dreamed that.
4. Eating a HUGE lollipop from the store near Cinderella's Castle and waving wildly as Barry runs by because I came to my senses in the nick of time...

I'll keep you posted friends.
If you call being a friend, "Let's watch the little idiot try this"...

"A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep, a dream is so stupid sometimes, that you realize you really just needed to...*beep*...

Its almost Christmas and my back is killin' me!

2011-12-20T23:39:00.001-06:00

I love Christmas! I love getting together with loved ones near and far, singing all the ol' carols around great grandmas's piano, and the quiet stillnes of the starfilled night as I nuzzle with my husband waiting for Jolly Old St. Nicholas...

Stop it! (Excuse me while I slap myself across the face.)

Forgive me friends, for I have lied. Yes, to you, my only friends in all the world. Okay, that was another lie, I do have some friends here locally, well two, and a few scattered across the country...Anywhoo....

The truth is I have been a SCROOGE this year!!! bah humbug. And there is no piano. Not to mention I haven't seen the old fat guy in the red suit for a long, looooonnnnng time.
(Hold on, I wanna see what I look like in the extreme mega-magnified make-up mirror right now. Heaven hep' me! Them frown lines is deep.)

I blame Walmart! Let's raise our fists in agreement! I mean, who isn't grumpy after seeing the humanity that IS Wally World out in mass force this time of year. The too-tight sausage leggin's, tobacco chewin', Miss Clairol #9 fight over the vacuum cleaner sale was too much for me.

Not really. I enjoyed it.
Let's face it. I don't know why I'm like this...

Oh, let's face it again. Yes I do.

My CHILRENS are all grown up and aren't coming home for Christmas this year! Except for one. The good, perfect, angelic child who will get ALL of the presents. kiss, kiss, hug, hug....

*sigh*
I feel better now. A good roll-around-on-the-floor emotional breakdown always seems to put things in perspective.

I shall now sip the spiked eggnog two weeks early and prepare myself for the New Year!

Well, friends, until we meet again I bid you 'adieu in my very best high pitched vibrato-

"Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"

Yes, dahlings, I dress like this all the time now....I find it helps when I sing...
CharmingTeacup.com

What NOT to do on Labor Day Weekend

2011-09-02T11:18:00.000-05:00

But first, before I begin this litany of "DO NOTS", here's the update on my visit to Colorado Springs, CO.

Upon arrival, my middle daughter, the one who's just left for TWO YEARS and is now living in SCOTLAND...(hold on, I've got to go lay down for awhile, freak out and hum koom-by-yah--I'll be back in two years)

Anyway, she picked me up at the airport and then we went straight to our favorite French restaurant in all the world, 'Marigolds'. Angels sang the moment I entered it's bakery doors, and that's when I knew this was going to be a great trip! Granted it's the only French restaurant I've been to, but that's not the point. The point, my friends, is that we began our World Food Tour, and it was mucho delicioso, or as we say in pig latin, osay oodgay.

The other point is that I definitely have 'obese potential' and will have to fight diligently all the days of my life to not end up on The Biggest Loser, wearing nothing but spandex and a sports bra.
(I'm laying down again...be back in a few)

The goal of the trip was to show, teach, convince, cajole, and FORCE daughter number 1 to have a cute apartment. It's that simple, it's being said through gritted teeth and that's why she's sooooo glad I'm her mother. (If somebody named Claire comments on this post, don't believe a word of it)

So that's what we did. We ate...Marigolds, Old Chicago, La Casita...dangit, we forgot about Montagues!...
we shopped, we cooked, (yes, we also cooked. There were certain homemade meals that had to be part of our world food tour...I know.) we watched 12 chick flicks and we decorated. We painted, we went for walks, and then we decorated some more. It was in fact, the perfect vacation. We talked until our throats were hoarse, laughed our heads off, and met Claire's new guy, watched new guy break up, saw new guy come back.

I By the way, the garage sales were FABULOUS. I would give you the run down of everything we got and how much we paid, but trust me. It'll just send you into a depression and then you'll have to go lay down for awhile...

But here's something that might cheer you up:

Labor Day Dont's:

1. DON'T rain 20 inches over the weekend. In other words, DO NOT invite a tropical storm to your Labor Day festivities. I cannot emphasize this enough.
That's it in a nutshell. And that's exactly what is happening before my very eyes as I type. It's pouring down rain, it's supposed to keep on pouring down rain, and then by Tuesday morning, on the way back to work the sun is supposed to appear.

Have a great weekend!! I know I will?

Here kitty, kitty...

2011-08-22T15:56:00.000-05:00

*Disclaimer:This picture was taken in our happy days, before my visit...

and I might add, before I lost 20 pounds. Whatever.

I'm flying to Colorado Springs, CO to visit my oldest daughter this week. Not only am I thrilled to leave the hot, oppressive heat of the humid South and fly to the cool, clear air of the Rocky Mountains, I've promised to come by airplane instead of by broom...this time. (Muwahahahaha!! Psycho laughter fills the dark sky)

This promise of cool mountain air has so enthralled me that I'd almost forgotten my mission. I almost got swept up in the 'lets-go-to-Breckenridge-and-frolic-with-the-deer' hallmark card moment until I remembered. The fitted white gloves. I'd purchased them for a visit such as this, and they appeared mysteriously while digging for change in my couch cushions.

"There you are my pretties". I snuggly snapped them onto to each hand and knew it was time. You see, she's moved into her first apartment. And she needs my help. Her desperate cry has reached my ears and that's why I'm going. In other words, I've seen the pictures.

Through a haze of cat hair, I've faintly been able to make out a couch, a coffee table, a, a, a,a,a,a,a,a,a....that's right folks. There is nothing else to see. She is living in a shell of a place that actually could be called...gasp! Blank! Not-Decorated! UGLY!!!!

My mission is obviously two-fold.
1. Clean and sanitize
2. Make it pretty.
Commercial-strength Lysol in hand, I yodel a good, solid, Goodwill Here I Come!, which is my designated warrioress battle cry and then I bow my head in prayer.

"Dear Lord, thankyou for giving me purpose", while simultaneously putting the ad on craiglist:

"Free!! TWO pretty little kitty-cats in need of a good home, nasty litter box included..."

Or not.
That part was just a dream.

I'll show you the pictures upon my return. Until then friends, think of me frolicking with the deer, won't you??

P.S. I'll let you know how offended she was by this post when I return.
MUWAHAHAHA!!!!!

5 Months Later, and 200 pounds lighter

2011-08-18T11:28:00.000-05:00

I've lost 200 pounds, and counting...

Yep, that means I officially weigh NOTHING. I'm light as air.

"Impossible", you gasp!?? Well, believe me it hasn't been easy. Imagine what shopping is like these days.

The last time we spoke I was high on caffeine, and had started RUNNING. Which is completely ridiculous considering the physique I'm dealing with-Large bazoombas and a pelvis that could easily produce millions of kids. I definitely could've given '19 and Counting' a run for their money. Of all the get-rich-quick-schemes I've embraced, I don't know why I didn't think of that one!

And yet, still I run. Every morning me and my bestest buddy meet at the crack o'dawn and pound the pavement because it's the only thing that works. For eating donuts I mean. And spaghetti, and pizza, and candy, and whatever else is delicious in this world. So anyway, here's how I lost it:

The Rock-n-Roll Half-Marathon in Nashville, TN in April! 13 miles later, we clawed our way across the finish line, and officially celebrated our 20 pound weight loss! PLUS an extra 10 for mental exhaustion and pure craziness thinking we could even run marathons in our mid-forties! But we did!

Sold the house. In 3 days! That was worth another 25 pounds of complete joy being released at one time, since I no longer had to blow my whistle, yelling every five minutes to keep this

%$#@! house clean.

Wonderful Daughter #2 graduated from college! 35 pounds of ' I'm so proud of this child' evaporated through my pores and left me in a sweaty mess the rest of the day.

New home renovation...caused a small 25 pound relapse, but I knew it would be worth it. Plus, I enjoyed eating all the cookies I wanted immensely.

Claire came to visit for THE VERY FIRST TIME since we moved here! This miraculously removed a whopping 40 pounds that had piled up around my heart, threatening to smother me at times. It's true--losing weight does help you breathe better.

Decorating, and shopping for, and actually moving in to our new home.

50 pounds baby!! This made me downright skinny with love it was so much fun.

Finding my living room couch at Goodwill for under $100 dollars??...I evaporated into thin air and disappeared for awhile, until I remembered to eat the candy I'd hidden in my car's side door, which instantly caused me to gain 20 pounds...thank goodness!

So, 200 pounds lighter I'm happy to share my secret weightloss secrets with you, my secret friends....Promise you'll keep it a secret?

Because I'm thinking this is my newest get-rich-quick-scam and I really, really don't want to blow it this time!

Light as a feather and soon to be very very wealthy...

Come join us, won't you?

My Name Is Gump...

2011-03-08T08:26:00.000-06:00

I run now. All the time. Against my own will, I put on my tennis shoes and take off like the wind. Okay, not the wind. I take off, like a cheetah. Okay, not a cheetah exactly. A turtle? Yes, A TURTLE. Or maybe a bear. A large lumbering bear, who's emerged from hibernation.

Have you ever noticed how fluffy Bears are?

Run Chubby Run!

I run against the odds. Against the cruel fate of my obese potential. Against my physique which was not made for running. It was made for bearing children. If only I would've realized at the time that was my niche.

And yet I run...

See that guy? That's not me. He looks way too joy-filled.

I, on the other hand, have a look of severe pain while I run. I think it's much more appropriate, plus it garners sympathy from the average passer-by. Just for affect, I may add tears streaming down my face the next time I run. I'll let you know how that goes.

If A Woman Licks a Spoonful of Chocolate...

2011-01-28T21:39:00.000-06:00

If a woman, whose name I will not reveal, licks a spoonful of chocolate and NOBODY sees it, do those calories count?

I didn't think so. (For those of you who answered yes... You're obviously much too hard on yourself, and need to schedule a mani/pedi/massage/mediterrean cruise as soon as you finish reading this. What do you mean, 'but I'm skinny?' That's not the point.)

*sigh*
Skinny People...they can be relentless sometimes, can't they? If they only knew how unpopular their I'm so dedicated attitude is making them. It's getting them nowhere. Except tight spots. Big deal if they can squeeze into the ridiculously narrow opening between the refrigerator and the pantry door where most people keep the broom.

Chubby people are popular. Because Chubby People are Happy People! They allow themselves a little sugar-laden chocolate every now and then. That's my own unbiased, humble, fat-faced opinion.

Sorry I stuck my tongue out at you.

Note to self: Skinny people are so sensitive these days...

Good News and Bad News

2011-01-26T08:22:00.000-06:00

First of all, here's the GOOD news:

I fit into my 'skinny' jeans! (Happy dance, clapping hands, and gleeful shouts of joy are being engaged in at this moment) Yep, I just put them on, and they zipped right up with no problem. Looks like all that diet/exercise mumbo jumbo is finally paying off!

Now, for the BAD news:

My 'skinny' jeans aren't really all that skinny. As a matter of fact, they're the exact same size as my regular jeans. Just a tighter version. Which means I have very low standards for what constitutes a rowdy celebration.

Hey, at my age, I'm gonna take what I can get. After all, I'm working with NO METABOLISM and a STRONG CANDY ADDICTION. Not to mention an aversion to SPANX.

Spanx alone would make me look 10 pounds thinner. But I'm not going there...I'm doing it the old fashioned way. Lots of caffeine, starvation and excessive exercise.

What do you mean, why is my hand shaking?

Sorry It's Been So Long

2011-01-25T09:52:00.000-06:00

It's been way too long since we've talked. I've missed you, desperately.

But I've been busy. Sooooo busy.

Busy loading and unloading the dishwasher.
Busy straightening my hair.
Busy watching football games I don't really care about.
Busy working on the 'family' budget for 5 hours last Saturday. I know.
Busy exercising every morning at 6am. I KNOW!

And now, I'm training to run in my very first marathon. Which requires incredibly loooonnnnnggg run/walking distances on a regular basis.

Why?

Because. I'm. ~~Stupid.~~ Dedicated. Driven. And Oh So Sexy.

I blame her. That woman up there...my Mother. Look at her. You can tell with your own two eyes.

SHE'S CRAZY. And she passed it on.

I've Missed My Calling

2011-01-12T10:03:00.000-06:00

I've JUST discovered another talent. A talent I didn't even know I had, but now that I do know, I plan on doing something with it. Sorta' like the man with the 'Golden Voice'. You've heard of him, right? I hope to be discovered SOON. Because the world needs what I have to offer...

Brooke ran the Disney Marathon this past weekend. God love her. And I was there, to support her, to cheer her on, to SMILE!!!!

This smile has 'pageant mother' written all over it. I can't believe all the years I wasted sitting stone faced at tennis tournaments. Hidden talents are special, aren't they?

Looky here. Could I stretch my face any wider? I think not.

Got a special event coming up? Maybe your 60 year old daughter is finally getting married, or you have a favorite son participating in the International Square Dancing championships. Whatever it is, my talent is yours.

If you need a professional GRINNER, you know who to call.

I WILL BREAK MY FACE FOR YOU!!

I've been everywhere man....

2010-12-28T18:30:00.000-06:00

'This land is your land, this land is my land'...

The Great American road trip of 2010 is a success!!
2000 miles later...
I told Mr. Wonderful, 'good thing we like each other, huh?' He nodded in agreement while stuffing pankcakes down his throat faster than you can say 'uh, honey, you're going to choke'. That was in Coleman, Texas, in a stinky little diner where all the people we saw had on camouflage. All The People. The women, the children, the babies, EVERYONE. I think Mr. Wonderful was eating fast 'cause him was scared!

I told him not to worry, that Texans are known for their friendly waves, and drawn out 'hhhhiiiiii'sssss'. Maybe he was just hungry. We had to wait 45 minutes to be served since they made sure every.single.local.bubba in the joint was served first. And then, we reeked of cigarette smoke for the next 6 hours.
Yes, this is what I call FUN!

Okay, so here's the low-down:
1.Atlanta, Georgia
2.Pearl, Mississippi
3.Rockwall, Texas
4.Lubbock, Texas
5 San Antonio, Texas
6.Beaumont, Texas
7.Little ol' Fairhope, Aly-bamie

Whew!
We've laughed, we've ate, we've laughed, we've ate, ect., ect., ect...
Oh, yeah, and I've bonded with every elliptical at every motel we've stayed at. I hate being disciplined. It goes against my nature.But all I have to do is glance at my pretty fingernails and remember that I LOST. That's when my eyes narrow into slits and I ask Mr. Wonderful if he can drive while I run alongside the car.

New Years resolutions are for sissies!! Bring it during the holidays baby!
(Now for my ear-piercing warrioress cry, and then jammies and bed!)

Trust Me, She Deserves A Post...

2010-12-23T23:58:00.000-06:00

See the woman below? Rudolph's twin sister?
The one known as Aunt Kay. (Or she'll step on your foot and crush your toes and snatch your twenty dollar gift card back until you do call her Aunt Kay...and say it with a smile, you little brat)

Yeah, HER. Well, I want to tell you something.

She was part of the package. The package that came with Mr. Wonderful I mean. She's his little sister, and I couldn't be luckier! First of all, I'm sure you can tell from her reindeer horns ALONE that she's fun! Throw in the shiny red nose, and what can I say? You gotta love this woman!

And she's sweet. She loves her daddy and her mama, her children, her friends and her husband with everything she's got. She gives it her all...and it shows. She loves dogs, and cries easily and laughs loud. She loves Jesus, and sings like an angel too. She opens her heart and her arms to the ones God places in her path. So, I just wanted to say thanks Kay. Thanks for making me feel so welcome, but most importantly thanks for being you.

And just because, I wanted to throw in this picture. Obviously Mr. Wonderful loves his mama! His eyes are glazed over with the look of adoration.
Or, maybe he had a few too many rum balls...

Mama, I cain't spell no more

2010-12-22T08:40:00.000-06:00

Ya'll, I'm getting old...or stupider. Or worse. BOTH.

I USED to be a whizbang speller. I USED to be the go-to spell queen of my family, my friends, okay, I'll say it-THE WORLD! It's hard when you lose your identity. I mean, who am I now?

Am I still Mother of all mothers? Am I still everybody's favorite friend? Am I still a Realtor? Frankly, who knows...Then there are the big questions, the deep probing thoughts of life.

Am I still Reasonably Chubby?
Okay, yeah, everythings fine. I did the ol' thigh check. I"m still me.

I just noticed I misspelled I"m...

Sigh. Oh, well. At least Santa Clause is real, and that will never change.

Hey, Lady, it's just a gift...

2010-12-21T07:00:00.002-06:00

The great road trip of 2010 is in full swing, and as I sit here in Pearl, M-i-crooked letter-crooked letter-i-crooked letter-crooked letter-i-humpback-humpback-i, (Pearl, Missippi that is) I'm thrilled to say it's started with a bang!

The proverbial white elephant gift exchange with Mr. Wonderful's family. You've never seen so much hair snatching, smack talk with a distinct ghetto feel to it. As in, 'you touch my present, I will cut you'. And this was with a $10 price point.
Ahhhh, Christmas.....

Actually, it was all very fun and pleasant, especially with Granny's rumballs available whenever you needed one. More rum than ball, and not a switchblade in sight. However, we did have two very nice guests attending, two innocents from the great land of India.

Abraham and Reba. They were scared. I could tell from the look in their eyes...and they should be. Because we might not 'cut you' with our knives, but if you DARE touch my Walmart gift card which came disguised as a sausage roll, and I had to worry that I was going to get a big ol' log of gross deer meat turned into sausage, then felt the glee that it was really MONEY, well....you don't mess with that. That's some strong emotion going on. Hey, where are the rum balls?

So, yes, we had a wonderful time! And we scored! My hands are lotiony soft as we speak, scented with peppermint snowflakes, and Mr. Wonderful is cozy in his new fleece pullover. Except for the fact Mr. Wonderful kept accidentally slipping into a fake Indian accent every time he conversed with Abraham. Sheesh!
I could swear I saw Abraham flash some metal at him...

A little touch of bitterness has set in...

2010-12-16T09:59:00.000-06:00

Hey everybody!
How are you today? Lovin' that Christmas spirit, looking forward to magical moments with friends and family and all that jazz? We're only 9 days away...

Whatever.
All that joy has been swallowed up in one horrible shocking moment, from which I am still trying to recover.
THE SCALE.
It.Hates.Me.

There, I said it, and NOOOO, I am not being a drama-queen.
Fact: I have been diligently tracking my food intake, ( I love sounding clinical about things that nobody cares about), AND I have also been sweating my buns off every.single.day...for 4 weeks.
Fact: I have lost 2 pounds. (Hold on, I've got to scream into my pillow now)

My so-called friend, AMANDA, ( I hate to mention names, but I will when trash talking friends behind their backs. Of course, she usually reads this blog which makes it even better) who has challenged me to a death defying weight loss goal of 20 pounds by Feb. 1, has lost 6 pounds. While eating potato soup and grits...and not going to the gym for days!

How dare her????

Granted, she has been sick for a week, and hasn't been able to leave her house. But, right before our weigh in today, she said, and I quote, "Oh, I'm dreading this. You won't believe all the food I've eaten". Or maybe she said it right after, and saw with great joy that she had just won our 'mini-challenge'.
I get to treat her to a manicure/pedicure.
A hideous, vile, and evil something or other is out to get me.
Hold on, I've got to go throw eggs at a moving vehicle, or at least swing the neighbors cat around by it's tail...

Okay, I'm back. Wonder how many calories that burned?

At least my nails are gonna look pretty.

And then there were two...

2010-12-13T09:55:00.000-06:00

My oldest child has graduated from college!
Now, she's headed off to the 'wild blue yonder' to make her fortune and prepare for my monthly white-gloved visits...(Once a mother, always a mother. ' Um, have you flossed today?' 'Darling, you need lipstick.')

No, the reality of it is she's moving to Colorado and she had to kick me off while I cried, clinging to her leg.
*Sigh*...children. Why don't they get it? That, yes, we want them to leave the nest, but all that means is move across the street?! Otherwise, how are we going to have coffee every morning together? How are my dreams going to be fulfilled with you happily nestled in a snow bank?

Oh, yeah...it's not about my dreams. Ooopsie, I forgot!
Claire graduating from college with her degree in History has fulfilled one of my greatest dreams.
This road has not been an easy one, which makes it all the more...well, MORE.
More Joyous!
More Proud!
More Happy!
More Relieved!
MORE!! (Sung with a slight vibrato in the key of 'C')

Did I ever tell you Claire could barely read by the third grade? That I homeschooled her in the fourth grade, and drilled Hooked on Phonics, until we both wanted to die?! That she repeated sixth grade...?

You've never met a child who loved the silent 'e' more than her. When she wasn't sure how to spell a word, she'd throw in a few extra 'silent e's' until it looked just right. Hey, they're silent after all...

In her fifth grade year, I walked into the bathroom after she had showered, and saw written on the steamy mirror..."I am stuuped. I hate my sef." Takes your breath away, doesn't it?

Did I ever tell you she took honors classes in high school? That she was a peer leader, and went on to earn a dean's scholarship her freshmen year of college? Did I tell you she worked as a Nanny and helped with a little girl's homework for three years? A little girl who also struggles with school and because of Claire's own experiences, she had an understanding and patience that impressed her employers?

Let the grinning from ear to ear begin...

Sweet Brianna...

Sisters, sisters...they're were never such devoted sisters...many men have tried to split them up and noone can....

Moppy and Poppy!! Hugs, and Kisses, and more Hugs and Kisses...

Grandma and Ted! And more Hugs and Kisses!

Daddy!! She always was a daddy's girl...

Mommy! Mommy, why do you have a vice grip around my neck? Yes, I'm still moving to Colorado. Mommy, you're hurting me...

More grinning from ear to ear...

Hey, who's this cutie-patootie?! He's happy we're about to go have lunch.

Aunt NeNe and Uncle Wayne! And Madi! Have we brainwashed you yet, that Madi should attend Lee?

Jackson and Cole and FIRE!!! Awesome!

Did I tell you that love never fails? And that it was proven this past weekend when our family came together, in the spirit of love, and acceptance, and forgiveness, and joyfully gathered to celebrate together this momentous occasion?

Gosh, I haven't told you alot of things!! Meet me here for coffee tomorrow morning, I want to hear all about what's been going on with you, and tell you about my latest diet crisis...(can you say, 'arc trainer?')

Why, Yes I Did, Thankyou for Asking

2010-11-30T09:59:00.000-06:00

It's times like these and friends like you that make me want to...
Smile? Noooooo.... Scream with the agony of defeat? Maaayyybeee...
Why? Because, Father, I have sinned and I would really prefer to confess anonymously from behind a thick curtain. The curtain of shame. But no. Instead I will post my foibles, my flaws, my terrible gluttonous tendencies on the world wide web for all to see and Judge.

Let me put it to you this way. I hath eateneth more than I shouldeth...

Spark People was no match for Turkey Day. The motivational talks, the promises I made to myself, the tracking of the food...wasted. Totally wasted. My downfall began with TWO FABULOUS Thanksgiving meals, one with turkey, one with ham, then a football party, laden with marvelously fattening hors d'oeuvres, where in fact Mr. Wonderful tried to keep me from having dessert. BIG MISTAKE. I had the World Wrestling Federation threaten to sue for stealing some of their most famous moves. (Once I had him in the headlock, punchdown, knee-in-the-groin twist around, he knew it was over. Give the fat girl her pie.) Then a road trip from Alabama to Georgia, and on to Tennesee.

But, I'm back now. I woke up at 5:30am, went to the Y, and DIED. This is my ghost writing these words...

Two Magical Words

2010-11-23T11:13:00.000-06:00

I have only two words for you today: 700 Calories
(In one measly little hour. I almost puked my guts up.)

Yes, I'm in bed now...

By the way, have you guys ever heard of 'Spark People'? Well, it's this totally free website that is AWESOME!!! You can track every single morsel of food that slides down your throat, and it will instantly let you know if you've sinned. It also lets you track how many calories you've burned. There are message boards, success stories, and all kind of tips to keep you motivated.

Face it, soon you'll be looking for me, wondering 'where in the world did she go?', and that's when I'll step out from behind the stop sign, the mailbox, or the tall lamp in my living room.

If I believe I'm going to end up as tiny as a toothpick, then FOR SURE I'll at least make it to 'she's as small as a volkswagen bug'... I prefer blue, if you have to picture it. Go ahead and make it a convertible.

Excuse me while I nibble on my lentil burger, all the while telling myself how it tastes just like beef...

Tomorrow we'll discuss how to get big muscles. Yes, I'm also in a class 3 nights a week called, "Body Pump".
I have noticed I seem to speaking in a strong Austrian accent these days...

GOOT-BUY FER NOW

I've just come up for air...

2010-11-21T10:36:00.000-06:00

Hey guys!
Just wanted to say a quick 'hello' before IT finds me. The Elliptical I mean.
Sorry it's been so long since we've talked. It's the Elliptical's fault. We've merged and become one, and ever since last week when I took my vows to be faithful and committed, things just haven't been the same.
For example, I now get up every.single.day. at 5:30am in the MORNING (yes, I capitalized to emphasize yelling) ...the Elliptical is very demanding like that. I wish you would have warned me. Now it's too late...The 'Y' has my money, the Elliptical has my promise, and my thighs are burning as we speak.

My life has changed forever. Or at least until February. That's when the winner of the twenty pound challenge will emerge, VICTORIOUS, and get to go on an all inclusive, totally paid for girls-get-a-way weekend at the beach. My friend Amanda and I are in this duel til' death throwdown.

Goodbye cream cheese. Hello celery, and broccoli, and dry toast.
Brings a tear to my eye...

I fought the Teal, and the Teal won

2010-11-10T22:14:00.000-06:00

I fought the Teal and the Teal won.
And then I kicked it's little blue-green...well, you get the idea.

What is the Teal? Ah, yes. The TEAL my friends is my days long attempt to simply re-paint my china cabinet, from black to the oh-so-cottage look of the aforementioned color...and that's when my entire world collapsed. Who knew that bringing light and harmony and the feel of the ocean into one's home could cause such mayhem, despair, and cursing? With my fist raised to the china cabinet itself, I swore, "I'll never go hungry again...er, paint you again!" And that's when the china cabinet laughed at me.

Because guess what? I did paint it again. And again...And then I spilled the paint. And got some on the wall. And the floor. And on a chair. Now, all the chair seats will have to be recovered. Who knows where this nightmare will end. Does this mean I will have to also replace the chandelier? Of course it does. The TEAL is beyond demanding.
I'll post pictures someday. For now, I've got to go change into my Samurai warrior diaper and wrestle this thing to the ground...If you don't hear from me, send in the clowns.

Blind leading the Blind

2010-11-07T20:48:00.000-06:00

The time change has happened. As usual, the first moments are absolutely GLORIOUS! Leisurely waking up, glancing at the clock...ahhhhh, it's only 7:30am...Fall Back has occurred!

And then reality sets in. Darkness. Deep, black, DARK darkness at 5 pm. Everyday. For months and months and months.

Good thing I'm a blogging, HGTV, cream cheese loving diva, for it is this, and this alone that will get me through!!

Hold me...

Ahhh...Satisfaction!

2010-11-04T00:07:00.000-05:00

Today I had one of the most satisfying experiences of my life. It was so great. It brings a smile of contentment to my face just thinking about it.

What?! what?? wwhhhhaaaatttt?????
Why, is that 'breathless anticipation' I hear? I love breathless anticipation.

Since you're about to burst, and YOU CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, I'm gonna tell you.

I witnessed a skinny bird-boned man unable to stop himself from pigging out on dessert. He stuffed his face until his belly hurt, shrieking 'what did you put in this stuff? Meth?' And then he went to get himself another piece. Yes, folks, that man would be the naturally thin, non emotional eater, known as Mr. Wonderful. Before today that is. Now, he's simply known as 'Potentially Chubby." My life is complete. I made the pumpkin ooey-gooey cake, from Ms. Paula Deen herself, and now that I know the power it contains, nothing can stop me! I shall rule my Chubby Empire!! (psycho laughter is completely appropriate at this point).

Oh, yeah, the other great and satisfying thing that happened was that I got mulch. Lots and lots of mulch put in the front yard, in the big, dry, plantless garden bed. It looks teriffic! Instead of lazy, no-good neighbors, we look like responsible homeowners. To reiterate, Nothing can stop me now! I'm aware of the fact that Mr. Wonderful burned many, many calories while putting in the mulch...Do you take me for a fool? I promptly rewarded him with another hearty piece of ooey-gooey. He wolfed it down, and whimpered, 'More?'

Real Men Mulch...and then bring their wives a bunch of wild flowers....Isn't that sweet?!
'Oh, darling, have another piece of ooey-gooey'...

To My Dear Adoring Public

2010-10-31T14:00:00.000-05:00

Dearly Beloved Friends, Fans, and Family,

Ever since I promised to run naked through the streets of Rome, WHEN I GET 100 FOLLOWERS, I have had NO MORE FOLLOWERS.

Except for two. And they're now my BFF's forever...Hugs and kisses ya'll...

Anyway, look, I've got to get to Rome. But before that can happen, I have to get 100 people to follow me. So here's the deal. I'm gonna keep my clothes on-at least while I'm in the holy city. After that I make no promises.
This whole thing is a BIG surprise for Mr. Wonderful...he has no idea about followers, my nakedness in Rome, Rome itself, me using the Mastercard to get to Rome, or even making cupcakes here at home as the booby prize. I'm not sure he even knows what a blog is. So, if you won't do it for me, do it for him. He's never seen Rome...

Ok-fine. You can come with us...That will be a nice big surprise for him too.
See you in Italy...wearing only a toga...Uh?...Yes, togas are from Greece.
See you in Italy...FULLY CLOTHED...don't be afraid. Just follow me...

Sheesh!

I went, I saw, I came home bitter

2010-10-25T15:32:00.000-05:00

I've returned from my glorious rendezvous at the Country Living Fair...

We walked ,we shopped, we laughed with joy. Packed with creativity, it was a feast for the eyes, and good for the soul. I came away inspired, rejuvenated, and determined to make my home look like a shop. :)

Then, I walked in the front door of my house.
Good God. I gasped in horror. For some reason, until this very moment, I hadn't realized I was living in a drab, lifeless shell of a home. Why, this is no better than a prison cell...
What's that ugly little chair doing over there in the corner? Who thought it was a good idea to buy a television and prominently display it in the family room? Where are the fabulous fabrics and ribbon and fresh mowed hay strewn upon my floor? What about the fresh flowers, the hand sewn quilts, the charming vintage everything, not to mention ' what is that smell?'...

Today is a new day people. I just spent 6 hours cleaning, I've lit every candle I own, tomorrow I'll be painting, and the day after that, I'm going to build a tree house out back complete with stainless steel appliances, and vintage curtains...

Brown Spots Are Pretty

2010-10-21T08:41:00.000-05:00

Hey Ya'll-
I'm dashing out the door, headed to Atlanta to attend the Country Living Fair at Stone Mountain Park...I am so excited! But before I go, I wanted to share the traumatic event that scarred me forever.

Yesterday. There I was, innocent as a lamb led to the slaughter, minding my own business. I had browsed for a book, chosen one, and stood waiting patiently in line for 15 minutes. Finally, it was my turn. I smiled warmly, and said 'Hello! How are you today?'

She took my book, and...

That's when the Goodwill checkout clerk asked, "Senior Discount?"

Time stood still. First, I quickly shook my head violently back and forth to make sure my hearing wasn't impaired...Did she say, "Senorita, would you like a discount?" I knew it was unlikely now that I've lost my summer tan. My mind was reeling, seeking an answer to this 11 YEAR age gap situation. Senior Discount?? I quickly looked down at what I was wearing, felt my face, touched my eyelashes, and thought about my roots...I WAS dressed, my makeup WAS on, eyelashes WERE thick, and black and full, just like the mascara advertised they would be, roots WERE highlighted with the sunkissed look of youth. So, I imagined myself slapping her across the face, hard. And it felt good, really, really good.
I snapped back into reality, and that's when I saw it. Her mouth curled into an impish, demonic little grin...Folks, I'm telling ya', it was evil, PURE EVIL checking me out at the Goodwill!

Well, I'm outta here. Gone like the wind in my KIA... into the loving arms of Atlanta...headed straight for the nearest botox clinic...

Dictator or President?

2010-10-18T23:50:00.001-05:00

I woke with a start this morning and realized with total clarity,
'I should run the world.' Also known as my other oft realized epiphany...'Do I have to teach you people everything?' I also realized the house needs a good dusting, and soon.

I do it all the time. Have FABULOUS ideas that are SO OBVIOUS they would bite you on the boo-tay if they had teeth, but somehow are not being put to use.
What are they?
You mean, the ideas?

.....?????.....?????....?????....?????

You can't put genius on the spot like that. It doesn't work that way. Duh...'do I have to teach you everything?!' (Ah, satisfaction. One good use of my oft realized epiphany)

I can die happy now, thin hair gently covering my no-neck. Don't even try to pry the candy from my balled fist, but most importantly, don't forget to bury me in black.

Can you believe I was actually able to get two men to marry me? I'm constantly spouting drivel like this, and still, they come in droves, begging for my hand. Well, two of them did. Not at the same time. I'm not into the whole 'brother husband' idea.

Ugh, can you even imagine? Large inhale, 'let's not even go there'...

I'm In Mourning...

2010-10-17T23:48:00.001-05:00

Ya'll-
Today my metabolism died. Yes, today. As in fifteen minutes ago. How do I know? How does a mother know what her baby cries for? Because she KNOWS. And after 2 weeks of diligently killing myself on the torture contraption known as the makes me sweat buckets and almost pass out Nordic Track, I have actually gained a pound. It ain't muscle. Let's not play games. Sheesh! Trust me, I wasn't even doing it to lose weight, I came into Thigh Acceptance years ago, however...are you kidding me????

Yes I vaguely recall hearing about this at family gatherings. Old aunts and cousins sittin' around talkin about hysterectomies and leakage problems. I had no idea what they were actually saying.
This 'Middle-Age Spread , Death by Carbohydrate Consumption, Drop That Chocolate or You WILL Weigh 400 Pounds By Morning'. reality.
I thought FOOLISHLY it was an old wives tale. And that my mother simply didn't exercise enough.
But now I know the truth. And the truth will set you free.
My hair will thin. My neck will continue to grow extra skin. It will eventually disappear. My hiney will get wider. My candy addiction will grow stronger. My bladder will get weaker. My candy addiction will grow even more powerful...give me sour straws or give me death!

I'm going to go lay down for awhile, wearing all black of course.

I'm Chained To My Computer Like A Common Criminal...

2010-10-14T14:41:00.000-05:00

Folks, I'm taking a 3 HOUR online real estate course... it's information I already know.
I cannot even begin to tell you HOW BORING it is...

But I'm going to try. Because I need you to feel my pain.

1. It's as boring as eating non-salted saltines...which I've actually experienced since marrying Mr. Wonderful. It's an oxymoron for which there is no answer.

2. It's as boring as cleaning the toilets. With my bare hands. Wait, that wouldn't really count as boring, more like disgusting. And I have done it! Many times! Because I'm a slow learner and keep forgetting to buy gloves!

3. It's as boring as painting a room soft beige, after it's been light beige for years. I've actually never done this because it's against my religion. If I'm going to paint a room I want to see a change baby! Yes, I just called you baby, baby. That's prison talk with an attitude.

Well goodbye for now...if I beg you to break me out of here, don't. If I beg you for candy, do...

Gilligan, Is That You?

2010-10-11T21:01:00.000-05:00

"Hey, Dad, you wanna go sailing"?

Hesitantly..."Sure..." Gulp. Life vest... Check. White-knuckled grip... Check. Come to Jesus meeting...check. "Please God, don't let the boat tip over"...like it did on Saturday! Aaaaccckk.

The confident Captain, pushing out to sea.

Cape fear...

Isn't it pretty!!!!
Oh, that's me, yelling how beautiful it is.
"So, pretty! I love the sails! It's gorgeous!"
I'm on the beach taking pictures, jumping up and down, and clapping for joy.
The boys didn't seem the least bit upset I was too chicken to go. As a matter of fact, they left rather rapidly, as in "hurry, get in, before she changes her mind".

Two pirates and a daddy...

Headed off to who knows where. Maybe they'll find a sunken ship filled with treasure...a girl can dream can't she?

Goodbye men. And don't come back without some gold coins!

"My soul is full of longing

For the secret of the sea,

And the heart of the great ocean

Sends a thrilling pulse through me."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Am I The Only Sucker?

2010-10-11T13:07:00.000-05:00

Am I the only one who's been sucked in to the strange world of the 'Sister Wives'?? Please tell me, have you watched any of this show on TLC?

Because I'm starting a support group for those of us who have.

Is it just me, or do you agree that the husband is getting to have a full-blown affair in plain view of his other three wives? They're all fairly old, fairly fat, and obviously same ol' same ol' by now. Three is not enough...EWWWW!

He's having a POLYGAMIST MID-LIFE CRISIS, and bringing his younger woman into the mix.
Weird? Yes. Strange? Yes. Bizarre? Yes.

What do ya'll think?

Hallelooyer, Fall is Here!

2010-10-08T12:19:00.002-05:00

I was on the verge, the precipice of SNAPPING with the relentless 98 degree weather, when out of nowhere, with seemingly no warning, it was FALL.

THANKYOU JESUS!! I love fall.

Or AUTUMN, as I like to call it. With the word autumn lodged firmly in my pea-sized-ever-shrinking brain, I stroked my middle-aged bearded chin and began to ponder the great mysteries of life.

You see, this weather phenonmenon reminds me. It's all about seasons, and the moment you think nothing is going to change, that you might just die or wilt!!, a cool breeze miraculously begins to blow...

And then of course,Winter arrives.With it's icy wind and frigid days, we'll break out the parkas and look forward to Christmas. But then... we'll think we might SNAP from the mind numbing 18 degree weather and gray skies ... when out of nowhere, with seemingly no warning, the grass will miraculously turn green again.

Hope. Things will change. New seasons will present themselves. Death, Life, Growth...Enjoy the wonders of what life brings. Unless you live in Hawaii. Then you have the same season continually, but really, I don't feel that sorry for you. It is HAWAII after all.

Dear friends,
ON THIS DAY:

*Mend a quarrel. Search out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion, and replace it with trust. Write a love letter. Share some treasure. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest your loyalty in a word or deed. Keep a promise. Find the time. Forego a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Listen. Apologize if you were wrong. Try to understand. Flout envy. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Appreciate, be kind, be gentle. Laugh a little more. Deserve confidence. Take up arms against malice. Decry complacency. Express your gratitude. Worship God. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love. Speak it again. Speak it still again. Speak it still once again...

*author unknown*

When I Grow Up I Wanna Be A Raccoon

2010-10-05T13:59:00.000-05:00

Monday was my middle girl's birthday. Her 21st birthday!! This is how she celebrated...

I'm pleased to say she took seriously her vow when she was eight 'to never grow up and leave me.'

Oh, what shall she be?

A raccoon!

A raccoon?

Personally, I've never seen a prettier raccoon in all my life.

Um...okay...I'm not sure if this, this raccoony type of look is going to be helpful in the husband hunting department. And I need grandchildren.

She did entice others to join her. Big sister...

Married college friend. Point taken.

Young Cousin...who is being influenced. Calling all flamingos...

'Train up a child in the way they should go, and when they are old they won't depart from it.'

Throw in a dog show, and you've got yourself a real celebration!

Dream A Little Dream...

2010-10-04T15:26:00.000-05:00

She married young that first time...and try though she might, her heart would be broken. She had three pretty daughters and worked hard to provide for them all the things they needed.

Sometimes she would get tired.

But, she let herself dream...

She dreamed of finding true love someday. Of finding just the right man, a good and just man to give her heart to. After 17 years of waiting, and hoping and dreaming...

She met him! His name is Jack, her knight-in-shining-armor. He too had experienced heartbreak. But he let himself dream...
Of love, and family and second chances.

And somehow, God orchestrated the whole thing. You see, she had to decide to move back home, to pack up her stuff and move clear across the state. She had to start attending the little country church near her house...

where she fell in love with the pastor.

And he? He had to trust again, to let love in, to take a leap of faith.
They were married on 'Cowboy Sunday' and the bride wore boots. She'd never had a real wedding before. But now, she did. This is my dear cousin, Tonya, and I hope her story gives you one more reason to dream.

It won't be all roses and fairytales, this new life of theirs. Sometimes things will be hard, there will be misunderstandings, and hurt feelings. But there will also be love, and laughter, and good times. Lots of good times. There will be knowing glances, and friendship, foot rubs and warm embraces. There will be love. More and more love.

"Dream a little dream of me"...

A Small Burst Of Scary

2010-10-02T20:39:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, I suddenly get a CREATIVE burst of energy. And then I immediately do something constructive and worthwhile...

Pretty scary, huh?! I know...

A bonding moment. "Hello, my pretties."

I'm really on a roll now...

It is truly amazing I have this much free time...Time to make my father into Tinkerbell's little helper...

Hello Daddy!

Don't give me any trouble. I'm serious about my creative work.

Yo, this is art people.

Whatever. Alabama is kicking Florida's hiney right now...

I Went Skydiving, I went Rocky Mountain Climbing...

2010-10-01T14:17:00.001-05:00

I said...uhhuh, uhhuh...

There's no more room for cars or anything remotely resembling a car. You feel lucky that there's room for a bicycle or maybe just a pair of roller skates, in case you do need to get somewhere rather quickly.

Life is about adventure. It's about parking extra large items in the front yard. I'm hoping we can add a comfy couch and washing machine to the front deck ASAP...just for fun.

"Let's go sailing, shall we?"

"Yes, but let's wait until a hurricane gets here. That would make it even more exciting!"

The Cutest Thing!

2010-09-27T00:55:00.001-05:00

Mr. Wonderful NEVER reads this blog. That's fine by me because I can talk freely behind his back and he has no clue. For example, he has no idea I'm not cooking anymore...(Bring on the evil psycho laughter!)

Of course a man who eats cereal for supper and LIKES IT is bound to receive other proposals for marriage. I'm just surprised it happened so soon and at church of all places.

He's been helping in Children's Church, working with the first graders. Today at church, the moment he entered the room a little girl frantically started waving, reaching out her tiny arm toward him, wiggling all her fingers, saying, 'oh,oh,oh, SIT BY ME!!" Mr. Wonderful complied and after he took his seat, she gently placed her hand on his, and proceeded to gaze lovingly up at him. "Are you already married?" she asked. "Yes" he replied. Immediately, her little shoulders slumped, and as she gazed down dejectedly, she sighed. "Oh..."

I have a funny feeling this is the first in a long line of cereal loving females. She probably could smell the Cap'n Crunch on his breath. I can see my cooking sabbatical may not last. After all, it's a dog eat dog world out there,and I simply can't afford to lose my husband to a better offer.

He also took in a little bible and gave it to a little boy who proceeded to thump a little girl on the head with it. Talk about 'beating you over the head with the Word'...

For Reasons I Can't Explain

2010-09-26T12:19:00.000-05:00

Sab·bat·i·cal
[suh-bat-i-kuhl]

( lowercase ) bringing a period of rest.

I'm calling it a Cooking Sabbatical. I'm 'bringing the rest' to my kitchen. It's going to be glorious.

1. Why?
I am married to someone WHO ACTUALLY LIKES EATING CEREAL FOR SUPPER! One of his superior qualities, I might add.

2.How?
I will not go near the stove. I will act afraid of it. If I touch it, I will slap my own hand. I will barely get close to the microwave, and that's only in a moment of weakness. I will break out the can opener...and do a little jig.

3.When?
This very moment. My official sabbatical started two seconds ago. However, my subconscious has been trying to convince me to do this for years. I think most sabbaticals last at least six weeks. By my calculations, that should carry me to the holidays. Whereupon I will immediately order our 'takeout' Thanksgiving meal from the local deli. Trust me, I've got it all figured out. I may never cook again!

4. Where?
The entire state of Alabama. And Georgia. And Texas. Let's just say The Entire USA=No Cooking Zone.

5. What?
About the human eating machine that has moved in? (aka teenage son who needs MEAT?)

Hmmm... Well, uh, um,...maybe he could learn to love cereal?
Somebody needs to invent roast flavored cereal.

I think my next sabbatical will be the bathrooms...and then grocery shopping...and then the laundry...and then...

And Then You Die...

2010-09-24T01:28:00.000-05:00

This first picture is about love...And if for any reason this is their last day on planet earth you will always have this photo, this sweet, huggy photo as your final memory. And you will always question, what exactly WAS Mr. Wonderful trying to do?

While the picture below is about hate.

Pure unadulterated HATE. What unholy thing did this to me?? What could have possibly caused me to lose my mind and put my au natural middle aged face on ~~national TV~~ this blog, for everyone to see??

NORDIC TRACK!!!!

Spawn of Satan and Rosemary's baby all rolled into one enormous piece of hideous machinery!

You gettin' my drift? Yo, dat thing be evil.

I melted into a jillion tiny pieces of light, and saw my last brownie flash before my eyes.

And then I went and took a shower.

What do you mean, Is that really me?!

Happiness Is...

2010-09-21T12:00:00.002-05:00

Remember the other day when I threw a hissy- fit and Demanded a new camera? After sobbing and writhing around on the floor for awhile, I wiped my tearstained face and looked up at our coffee table. Not only did I give a little smile of admiration for the table itself ($2 bucks from a garage sale, looks like Pottery Barn...) BUT I also saw you-know-who. My little *droid* friend. He winked at me, and said, "Come here my love. I am not only a phone, a computer, a masterpiece of human intelligence, I AM A CAMERA!"

And so I give you my newest "piece de la resistance"
AKA: Pure Joy!

See this? This is my new 'Fall' purse which I just purchased at TJMaxx.

And this my friends, is my AS SEEN ON TV purse organizer. Purchased for a mere $4.99, it has not only changed my life, its saved me countless hours of worthless digging into the bottomless pit of darkness, known before this moment as, well, the bottom of every purse I've ever owned. Not only has this brought a song of joy to my heart, cashiers around the world have lifted their voices in unison to sing Hallelujah!

No longer do they have to wait while I dig for that dime, I just know I have one... feel around, feel around...exhausted, I come up for air and blow a small piece of lint off my index finger...feel around, feel around... Here it is! Wait, no that's a penny...

As a parting gift and because I thought you might be as nosy as I am, here's a closeup...if this isn't itimacy, I don't know what is...

I Hope You Don't Mind I Put Down In Words...

2010-09-18T23:21:00.000-05:00

On this day, many, many, many...many years ago, in a galaxy far far away, called West Texas, an adorable little child with big dark eyes and a head full of dreams was born...

her name was Barbara Carol. We just call her Mom. I love you mom! Or Mother. Have you talked to Mother? Or Moppy. I wub you Moppy! Happy bwirfday Moppy! I miss you Moppy! What did you get me for my bwirfday Moppy? Moppy, can we go shopping? She entered the world with a song in her heart and a glint in her eye.

I'll never forget as an awkward fourteen year old looking through my mom's old high school yearbook. There she was, on a separate 8x10 page, voted "MOST POPULAR". Wow!!! It was like I'd just discovered I was related to a movie star.

"Mom, what was your secret?"
"Secret?", she replied.

I pointed to the poster size version of her stardom.

"Oh, that? I was just myself. Trust me, you'll be popular too. Be nice, be friendly, no problem."

Ah, such naivete.

My mom. She's bold, and one of a kind. She almost always 'goes for it!' It's one of her very best qualities. Even if the rest of us are huddled together in fear...She's pushing us, calling out to us, encouraging us.

DON'T BE A CHICKEN!

She and my dad were high school sweethearts. She met him at a church social and when she found out he worked at the local grocery store, she bought gum and went through his checkout line. Every. Single.Day. Until he noticed her. Then, she married him. My mom has loved my dad for 50 years now. From young love to old love...

Here we've reached the talent portion of this little docu-drama. My mother is a garage saler LIKE NONE OTHER! Excuse me while I go change into my 9th grade pep squad uniform, complete with pom poms.

It's cheer time!

"Go mom! Get that lamp, buy that chair, you're the best EVERYWHERE!! whoo-hoo!"

I just tried to do the splits. Not a good idea.

Anyway, one time she found a Tiffany lamp, a REAL Tiffany, at a garage sale for $15.00. And then she sold it for boo-koos of money.

She really is like a movie star.

Did I mention that she gardens? In fact Mr. Wonderful and I got married in my parents backyard. It was so beautiful! One enchanted evening, the perfect setting for a new beginning.

Mom.

We've had countless talks about life and love and God and faith. We've argued and cried, and made up. We've laughed until we cried, vacationed, and painted so many rooms I've lost count. We've been together in good times and in bad times, and times so sad the depth of it seemed insurmountable.

But there's always Halloween. My mom. She's wacky and funny and fun, and never more so than when she gets to put on a costume. And act like she's butchered someone.

Here's to you mom.

I hope we have many more Halloweens, and long talks, and chances to love and laugh and pray together. Happy Birthday!

I Want It Now!

2010-09-17T07:02:00.001-05:00

Just call me Veruka... " I WANT IT NOW!! "
A fancy schmancy camera that takes breathtaking pictures that I can make even more fancy schmancy using photoshop! I WANT IT NOW!! I WANT IT NOW!!

Veruka Chubby. I think it has a nice ring to it.
I'm going to go suck my thumb and rock in the corner for awhile...

A Fairy Princess Grows Up

2010-09-16T11:54:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I talked to my oldest daughter.

She's preparing to graduate from COLLEGE this December. For some reason I was thinking she was just finishing kindergarten... I have no idea how this happened. One minute she was a fairy princess and

the very next minute she was saying, "Mother, puh-lease. I am soooo much more than a fairy princess."
I'm going to change the world.

So she went and got her own apartment, then marched on Washington D.C. She even took a trip to Europe to enhance her education. It seemed like alot for a kindergartner to take on, but she assured me she could handle it.

My beautiful princess.
I never dreamed you'd be a college graduate AND a dog whisperer.
You really are so much more.
Well done.

Outside? What's That? Never Heard of It...

2010-09-12T10:18:00.003-05:00

Welcome to Hell

I haven't exercised in over two weeks. Shocking!!, but true. I haven't seen sunlight. With only the dim flicker of the television and the half naked people on Dancing with the Stars to keep me going, its been a long month. Let me explain.
IT'S HOT OUTSIDE.
Period. The end.
I knew you'd understand.
Yes, it was warm in June, toasty in July, and scorching in August. Still I walked, being the faithful fitness chubby guru that I am. But those were the summer months when it all made sense. Now it's September. The air should have a crispness about it. I should be developing a taste for apple cider and strolls in the country, waving friendly-like at my neighbors.I should be preparing to don my freshly polished skates and heading to the local pond which should be almost frozen over by now. And because I don't know how to iceskate, I'd break through and almost drowned and a big ta-doo would be made. Plus, I'd be burning lots of calories.
Instead I've got visions of flies and cold gatorade dancing in my head. While sweat trickles down by face.
And that's sitting inside my house.
I am eating animal crackers, which are very low in sugar, and I'm watching tennis. That counts for something.

I May Faint From Excitement!

2010-09-09T09:41:00.001-05:00

I admit it. I'm slow on the uptake when it comes to the newest, the latest and greatest in technology.
But, I'm not AS SLOW as some of you...
I've never been one to point fingers, unless they're spirit fingers and they're bringing the love.

So for all you folks still living in the dark ages I want to point out my TOP THREE discoveries, guaranteed to CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER!

1. Pandora Radio
I love, love, LOVE this free internet radio that comes streaming into my home. Mostly I love that I can build whatever kind of music I like. I have a 'come to Jesus meetin' every morning...with artists like Kari Jobe, Keith Green and Chris Tomlin I really have no excuse for the bad attitude I displayed the other day. I'm so ashamed Mother! It was my raging hormones, I swear!

WARNING: When trying to upload Pandora on my mobile device without using the old lady reading glasses that are required AT ALL TIMES, I accidentally chose some kind of Satan worshiper music. I'm not lying...

2. Smart Phones
These things are soooooo smart. They're smarter than me, that's for sure. And I KNOW they're smarter than...well, I hate to mention names. You know who you are, and you need to get one of these things, El Pronto. You can text by talking into the phone instead of typing. That feature alone makes me swoon with joy because I've never been a good texter. You can also check your email, find your way anywhere in the world with the built in GPS, and get on facebook. Not to mention blog. Not to mention check your bank balance. Depressing? I know. But, still.

WARNING: The texting microphone feature can be a little tricky to use. For example, it translated "I love you Wendell Barry" to "I love you window fairy". Oh, well. I sent it anyway. He understood what I meant....I think.

3. Skype
Puh-lease. I just clued in to this little wonderment of free talking while looking at the person. AWESOME! I've heard through the grapevine that this Skype thing has been around for years.
But did I know this? NO, I did not. If you have kids that are miles and miles away, like I do, and you miss them like crazy, like I do, then this is the device for you. Go now and purchase a little camera and microphone, get on Skype, which is free, and talk with tears in your eyes begging the little ones to come visit.

WARNING: People can SEE YOU. Put some clothes on.

I love my smart phone, don't you sister?!
Shutup, my big toe's about to snap off.

About Me, and Other Personal Details

2010-09-08T15:40:00.000-05:00

First let me say, I've missed you. It's been what...4 whole days and nights without talking to you, my loyal readers and I've felt every second we've been apart.

Ohhhh, here it comes. The break out into song..."Papa can you hear me?"
From the soundtrack, Yentl. (Why didn't my mother name me an interesting name like Yentl? She actually told me I was named off of a soap opera character. Are you kidding me?)

Anywho, Seriously. I. have. missed. you.
Our daily chats are very important to me. You're an excellent listener. That's an important quality for any friendship and it's what makes ours so deep.
(Group Hug.)

So here's a quick rundown of what's going on in my life:

1. I bought the new diet stuff called SENSA. You sprinkle it on everything you eat and it's supposed to make you feel so wonderfully satisfied that you eat ALOT less. Yes it sounds too good to be true, Yes that's why I bought it. In about 6 months I'm supposed to see DRAMATIC results. I'll keep you posted. If you never hear me speak of it again, you'll know why. Chubbywubby gots nuttin' to report.

2. I am working as a real estate assistant. Yes, you read that right. ASSISTANT. Yes, I used to be an agent. It's not your imagination, I'm sliding down the rungs of the business ladder so fast it ain't even funny!
But I like the job and I'm thinking of wearing reading glasses with a little chain around my neck so that I can complete the look. Sigh...

3. I'm planning on starting classes in October. It's my grand return to college AGAIN.

Let's talk tomorrow, shall we? I want to hear all about your life, what you've been thinking and what you're planning on cooking for Christmas this year...

Keep On Truckin'

2010-09-02T08:19:00.000-05:00

I'm on the road AGAIN.
Music blaring, windows rolled down to take it all in. From the Sonic lady, I mean.
Yep, there's nothing like the open road, a diet cherry limeade, and love songs. Lots of sing-at-the-top-of-your-lungs love songs as majestic oak trees and fields of peanut plants whiz by in a blur, all while keeping my one good eye open for blue light specials.

I love a good road trip anytime of year. I was explaining this to my middle child, the wise and witty Brooke.

" I wish I could do something for a job that allowed me to drive the highways and byways, to cross the great plains of the central states, feel the ocean air of the west coast, and take in the cool crisp breeze of Colorado's rocky mountains. Free---dom!"

Uh, mom, that's called 'bein a trucker."

Eureka!! I didn't even think of that!
Hey there good buddy, this is Cutty-Thorny comin' at ya through a maze of shopping malls...

(If you don't know what/where/why Cutty Thorny exists, it's deep, it's profound, and hard to explain. Read the old post, I'm Going To Be Famous.)

Until next time good buddy, I'm signing off. I'm heading out to my rig, also known as a Kia spectra, and zipping my way over to IHOP to meet up with my girls.

'Cause that's what we ramblers do...if I see you out there, be sure to give me the signal and I'll blow my horn for ya...

Ahhhh, DESTINY...

Photographer for HIre...

2010-08-29T21:58:00.000-05:00

While visiting my parents, I decided to look through some of their old photos-I was hoping to fondly reminisce about all the great times we've had together throughout the years.

Instead, this is what I found:

Remember that great beach trip back in the Spring of 2010?? And how pretty, young and thin you looked?

Remember when what's her face and what's his name were at that place??...it was so awesome!

Oh I remember this...somebody SPECIAL doing the ol' pajama dance. Good times...

And fat neck lady. Remember her? Yeah, she looked really really bad this Christmas. Do you think we should tell her?

Hey, wait a minute..I recognize that necklace....

Finally! A picture that actually captures the essence, the joi la vivre. ( I made that up...what's that french phrase people are always throwing around? )

Our life...We kiss frequently in front of the azalea bushes, after a dramatic tango across the yard...

What do you mean you think this is 'staged'?!

Here's a quarter, call someone who cares

2010-08-26T00:08:00.000-05:00

It's late. I'm up blogging and munching on a sleeve of salt-free saltines (what's wrong with this picture?)while Mr. Wonderful sleeps, dreaming with childlike anticipation about his upcoming day tomorrow.I know this by the look on his face. I don't believe normal people smile while they sleep. I for one sleep with my mouth slightly open and the occasional snort which startles me to wakefulness. Mr. Wonderful says it's like sleeping with a freight train but he's been known to exaggerate.

He's an MRB engineer. He goes like clockwork each and everyday to his job and does the absolute best that he can. He likes his job and the people he works with. He's careful and steady, totally dependable. Uber responsible. Did I just say 'UBER?' Oh, yes I did.
I admire this steadfast quality because so far at this stage in the game of my life I DO NOT POSSESS IT. I get bored way too easily. I love cooking, writing, decorating, and chatting. I like funny accents, and silly stories, candy and clowns. Oh, and going to garage sales. "Give me garage sales or give me death!"
I've been a teller, a pharmacy tech, a daycare worker, a rental furniture salesperson, tupperware manager, real estate agent, waitress, and tearoom owner. Not to mention I've worked at a christian gift shop, retail clothing store, antique booth, and been hired as an interior decorator. I am so glad that opposites attract. One of us has to keep a steady job!

He cares. And believes.
I don't care as much, and I'm not sure I completely believe.
You know, about salt intake, and other dire, earth-changing dramas you read about. Like saving the landfills from dirty diapers. Look what they told us about eggs.Come to find out eating a gazillion eggs isn't going to hurt you.
I knew it.
Don't even talk to me about butter...
I do believe in soap and washing your hands alot. I say donuts are good for you, in that good for the soul way.
He doesn't.

It's the important things that matter.
We both believe in love and God and trying our best to make it work.

Maybe I'll go into our room and kiss him softly on the cheek and whisper 'thankyou' for being such a good husband...Or, I could trick him and yell "didn't you hear the alarm clock?! You better get up!"

Oh, the bliss of it all...
Don't worry I'm not that mean. But it would be kind of hilarious...

I Tried To Be Cool...

2010-08-23T23:39:00.000-05:00

I tried. And then I tried again. And again.
Suddenly, I felt the urge to throw it against the wall.
And so I...

resisted. But barely. It was mostly the $200 price tag that stopped me, but it's little droidy voice did pipe up at just the right minute to say "droid", which means of course I'd received a very important something. Either an update, an email, a text message, or a missed call. It wasn't a good time to smash it to smithereens.
I'm not sure if our love relationship can last.
You see, I tried to blog from my DroiD.
I wanted so badly FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE TO BE IN WITH THE COOL CROWD. I could picture it-the post, the tagline stating, 'sent from the robot attached to my body'.i just spent an hour wrestling this badboy to the ground...the droid has a mind of its own. but look who won this battle of alien vs woman.by golly i have posted hear me roar

Visiting the 'Rents

2010-08-20T09:53:00.000-05:00

I've been visiting my parents for over a week now. It's been good for my soul. Located out here on the the flat plains of Lubbock Texas, it's just me and them and 400 relatives.

I like it. My dad is an only child, but my mother...

One of TWELVE. Yes, you read it right. Her mama had 12 kids, and they all had kids, and all those kids had kids, and those...well, you get it.

Too bad this was before reality TV. My grandma would've loved to have been the star of 'Eunice Irene- Mother of 12 of the Prettiest Kids You've ever Seen'

There's nothing like a mother's love.

I've enjoyed seeing many of my long lost cousins, aunts and uncles. We've bar-b-cued, gone to church, talked in our fake accents, participated in a city-wide garage sale, been to a ribbon cutting, and set off a bomb to kill the odors of a rental house.

It's time for me to head home. Back to the green, the hot and muggy 100 degree weather of southern Alabama...I'm starting to glisten just thinking about it.

Lubbock, land of the cotton fields, sand storms, tornadoes, some nice dry weather, and most importantly my people.

In the words of Arnold, "I'll be back."

I'm in LOVE!!

2010-08-18T23:01:00.000-05:00

I've never felt this way before. Ever. Not in my whole life have I felt as giddy, and happy and SPECIAL as I have since the day THIS came into my life.

DROID!! Yep, me and my new droid are inseparable. I faithfully charge it every night, and wait with breathless anticipation for the robot noise it makes everytime I receive an email, a text, a voicemail, or an update. I know the time, the temperature, and the date, at all times.

It's proof: I have a life.

Before my droid, I had a useless, lifeless little piece of nothing. A simple, covered in makeup cell phone that could barely keep a signal. Bah...you leetle reedeekulous piece of trash, I speet upon you.

Me and my Droid...Sorta seems like it'd make a lovely country ballad...

To be sung with kazoo:

Me and my droid
We get annoid
At all the folks who stare
But we don't care
'Cause WE ARE IN LOVE!!!

Me and my droid
I hate to be coy
there's hardly any words that rhyme
that's how I know it's time
to shout, WE ARE IN LOVE!!

I hope you get to experience a love like this someday. Until then, just picture me cuddled up and smiling contentedly. May all your dreams come true.

I'm BBBBAAAAACCCCCKKKKKK!

2010-08-18T16:21:00.001-05:00

After much fanfare and ado...

(that statement was a lie. There was NO fanfare, No ado, No parade..Yes, I'm hurt. I'm bitter, angry and resentful. But what's new?)
Anyway, with ~~careful~~ ~~consideration~~ and successful bribing, and since I'm just sitting here twiddling my thumbs I give you THE BLOG.
For all those who promised to send me skittles, do it now.

You can imagine my surprise when I came to the full realization of what this means. You're life is not complete without my blog to light your way...Or maybe you simply need a good dose of mindless fodder to make you feel better. I can do that.

Or maybe, just maybe, YOU LOVE ME!!!

I knew it.

Hugs and Kisses everyone....
Let's get down to business.

Is This The Little Girl I Carried?

2010-07-09T09:59:00.001-05:00

Today is Emily's birthday!

My little baby princess who's biggest dream in life was to have a 'pink birf-day party' and raise kittens.

It hardly seems possible she's now 19 years old, a beautiful young woman about to enter/endure her second year of college.

She's my quiet, melancholy, FUNNY as heck, child. Her nickname at work is "Mouse", yet she's got a fierce temper that can shatter glass. She's spiritual, silly, and super athletic. She loves music and can barely sing a note one degree beyond tone-deaf. She's experiencing 'first love' and dreams for the future. I'm biting my nails and praying.

We're celebrating by going to tea...of course. I secretly bought her the 15lb. kettle ball she's been wanting that nearly broke my back carrying it to the car. What the?? I guess I'll put it in a gorgeous gift bag and lug it in with me.
Emily Rose.
My delight, my heart, my darling girl.
Happy Birf-Day!

Are Southerners REALLY the Nicest People?

2010-07-03T17:58:00.001-05:00

I ask you the age old question, Are Southerners Really As Nice As You've Heard They Are?
You have heard this, haven't you? If not, where have you been? Do you live under a rock...
Now see, THAT comment wasn't very nice, but I'm not originally from the South. I'm from Texas, and although Texans are the friendliest people on the planet they're much more mouthy.

Putting all that aside,
I've come to a conclusion. The answer is yes. Southerner's Are Nice. Beyond Nice, they're super duper fantastically kind, big hearted and sweet.

1.
Take my neighbor, Carl, for example. He's the owner of Franklin, the cat. I think it's crazy nice of him to feed the cat, flea/tick proof the cat, change the cat's litter box, and watch the cat while we're on vacation, because other than those activities, Franklin lives here with us. Hint: Make the neighbor's animals your very own pets. They do the work, you have the fun. Win/Win seet-chew-ay-shun.

2.
The local waitress. She's offered me her kidney if and when I ever need one. I don't need it yet, but it's nice to know she is THERE if I do. Not really. BUT,she did offer me a big glass of sweet tea and gave it to me for FREE. Now that's just plain nice.

3.
Fairhope Paint and Body. Fixed the hood on my car, and gave me touch up paint...and didn't charge me a penny to do it. THAT IS SO NICE!

4.
Everybody I've met in this town... and I do mean everybody. Fortunately, I haven't met the 'jerky' couple Emily waited on last night at the Fly Creek cafe. They're probably out-of-towners...or alcoholics. Therefore their jerkiness can't be held against them.

Yes, folks, life is slower, kinder, and sweeter down here in Lower Alabama. And it should be. The air is beyond hot and humid-if a bunch of cranky, selfish people lived here murder and mayhem would break loose faster than you can say "outside is ten degrees hotter than hell" or "Well, don’t you look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes."

P.S. NIE-US. It's a two syllable word...or three if you say it just right and let it hang for a second more.

I Slapped Him With My Foot

2010-07-02T09:56:00.001-05:00

I slapped Mr. Wonderful with my foot last night. It's true. It didn't hurt him a bit and it relieved me of some frustration, so hey, I'm glad I did it.

Ya'll know I've moved to the lovely, flowertopia town of Fairhope, Alabama. And you would think I would be supremely happy at all times, what with singing to the birds and squirrels and Franklin the cat to keep me company. However, I've actually been in a slight depression of late, and I needed to talk. To my man.

So, he got home from work and his daily exercise regimen (God love him, he's so disciplined!) and I hit him with it. Not my foot just yet, but the news: I Am Down In The Dumps, Please Help.

And guess what he did? He listened. I am so grateful because I know he wanted to hide his face in a pillow and scream and run away, far far away. But he didn't, he just sat there and listened and tried to 'get me'. And he told me some stories that made me laugh which cheered me up. He also did an AVATAR impression, and said 'I see you...' He did it with such expression, you should've seen his face. I'm still laughing.

So, we both had our feet up on the ottoman, and then I slapped his foot with mine, and asked, 'did that hurt?' and when he said no, I said, 'good' and I did it again.

Starting over is NEVER EASY. Why can't it be easy? Why does it have to be so hard? Because. It just is and does.After we talked and the foot slapping, he said, "I love you."

You're a good man Mr. Wonderful. I love you too.

He's Not Sick, He's Dead

2010-06-27T21:11:00.001-05:00

My Daily Confessional: Pssst. Hey you...

Let me get straight to the point. I. am. a. horrible. nurse. I would just as soon KILL you than nurse you back to health. Unless you're between the ages of newborn to five years old and have white blonde hair, or dark brown curly hair and big hazel, brown, or blue eyes. Then I don't mind. I will rock you and sing to you and tend to you gently and softly until the morning sun rises over yon hill.

You're how old? Sorry I've just pulled your life support.

Granny and Grandaddy, I've killed your child. I didn't want to do it, but I couldn't help myself.
*big sigh*

Here we have the terribly ill man upon his sick bed, yet he somehow maintains the strength to work the remote control.

Poor Mr. Wonderful has been sick for a week. A WEEK. Do you understand what I'm saying? I ask you, Do you know what men are like when they are sick? (Sorry 'bout wrapping both hands around your throat just then and violently shaking you). I asked him nicely on day three to move to a nursing home but he wouldn't do it. By day five, I went to our liquor cabinet for a little relief. After searching frantically through every room in this house I came to the shocking realization THERE IS NO LIQUOR CABINET!

After sipping a bottle of Gatorade mixed with a little 'Old Bay' seasoning, I knew what to do.

Can you say pillow?! Psycho laughter is now merrily ringing through the halls of justice. What does that even mean? Don't ask me because I don't know! I 've obviously snapped.

As you can see, he offered the pillow and I took him up on his kind offer. Or maybe he was hiding his unshaven sickly face from being photographed. Whatever. It doesn't really matter anymore.

It's day seven and he's sleeping quietly now, FOREVER. 'Glory glory hallelujah, glory, glory hallelujah...' she sang as she gently rocked back and forth.

The sound of his hacking cough just pierced my eardrum.

$50 bucks says he won't go to the doctor tomorrow...$500 says if he doesn't, I'm gonna kill him. For real this time.

OOPSIE! I FORGOT...

2010-06-25T13:26:00.000-05:00

Oops! Recipe Correction:

For the Outta-This-World Cheese Grit recipe, you need two more ingredients:

Add one cup of milk when you add the eggs; and sprinkle the rest of the cheese on top when you bake.

I love me some GREE-UTS.

2010-06-24T20:21:00.000-05:00

It's been a mah-ve-lous and extravagant week here at 'fatcamp'. From the ectasy of buttery croissants filled with chicken salad good enough to make you break out in the Hallelujah chorus, and kiss the Queen Mums'soft...

hand.

to THEE-US, Butta-rey Brow-own gree-uts. Golden and delicious, these cheese grits are THE BEST IN THE WORLD!! Don't take my word for it. Make them yourself...I double dog dare you. But I must warn you: Your life will never be the same. If you allow your virgin-cheesegrit lips to taste them, you will have periodic night sweats with cravings so strong you'll have to bite a strip of leather to keep yourself from licking them straight from the pan.

Only these grits. I didn't even care for the chickenfeed before. Now I've got an obsession bordering on addiction, bordering on a severe case of hoarding with a touch of IBS. Gee, Thanks Debbie.

I mean, God Bless You Debbie! May you win the coveted "Cheesegrit Queen of the South" title, along with the sparkly sash and fake diamond studded crown!

Here's the recipe: Guaranteed to make your butt a little bigger and your heart a little happier!

Makes 8 servings
4 cups of water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of quick grits
1 1/2 cups shredded sharp cheddar cheese
1/2 cup butter
4 eggs beaten
1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper

Directions:
Combine salt/water -bring to a boil
gradually stir in grits, reduce to low heat, cover and cook for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally
remove from heat-add 1 cup cheese, butter, stir until melted
add eggs and pepper
Fold into a 2qt. baking dish, and bake on 350 degrees for 1 hour or until golden brown.

Enjoy!

Dahlings Let's Have A Teaparty!

2010-06-22T11:38:00.000-05:00

Dahlings, hello and good morning and all that other mushy stuff I'm prone to say on a day such as today.

You see, its TEAPARTY time here the Reasonably Chubby residence and really there could be nothing more fun.

You think your husband buying you a diamond ring would be more fun? Well, see that proves you don't know anything.

Bungee jumping? Well. that just proves you're plain crazy with a little bit of dumb thrown in.

No, dearhearts, its TEAPARTIES that are fun, the absolute most fun in all the world and I wish terribly you could all be here to join in the merriment. But, alas you cannot. So, I shall drink a cup of tea with four sugar cubes in your honor instead...

I have 7 friends coming tonight and it's taken me 7 hours to get ready. Coincidence? I think not. Thank goodness I've decided to throw a party. I needed a reason to dust. And clean the potties.

I'm serving scones with clotted cream and lemon curd, chicken salad on croissant, and of course chocolate covered strawberries.

Here's my sweet daughter slaving away in the kitchen. This thrills my heart like none other-my children being my personal servants. I asked her to wear a uniform to make it official but she refused. It's hard to find obedient help these days.

It was such a feast for the eyes I took another picture.

And another...MOTHER, she growled with a meaness I hadn't heard before...She's going to make an excellent mother someday now that she's honed 'the look'.

Dahlings, I'll be thinking of you tonight. I promise. Especially after all my guests have gone home, and I'm looking at the disaster left behind in my kitchen.

Tootles for now...Oh, and hugs and cheeky kisses!

Good News!

2010-06-20T10:40:00.000-05:00

I have good news. I will not under any circumstance be changing the name of this blog. Unless you pay me like, at least a hundred bucks, or offer to take me out to dinner. Then, I might. I'm cheap and flighty as you well know.

This decision came after careful thought and napping and my youngest daughter saying, "what, are you stupid?
And that's what woke me up. Literally, her voice in my ear, saying, 'mom! mom! take me shopping... She reminded me that being "reasonably" chubby was perfectly acceptable. Desirable even, at my age. (Thoughtful of her to point out. Even though she did kind of say it in a mean way. "Who wants some stringy-armed old woman to give you a hug? I like soft." Her words, not mine. I quicky reminded her, "I'm only 44, not 104. You realize me and Cindy Crawford are the same age? I can still bear children." She just stared at me...)
She reminded me that a "reasonably" chubby lap was always the favorite spot everyone wanted to be on a cold winter's night. (She does love to cuddle. She'd probably like it if I'd feed her a bottle but I refuse. I have my limits.)

Anyway, I know you're absolutely THRILLED my blog will remain as is. That's why I like you. Small, insignificant things thrill you. Me too. I can't even begin to share how happy I was with my newest nail polish/file kit picked up for 5 measly cents today at a garage sale.

P.S. I'm on a 'healthy eating for 40 days kick'. So far, so good. 1 1/2 days down, 38 1/2 days to go... If I keep this up I'll probably be able to speak perfect chinese by breakfast.

My Name Is Slim...

2010-06-17T09:26:00.001-05:00

I'm seriously considering changing the name of this blog. To 'superskinny'. Or maybe 'wispofawoman'. I've also considered 'superfit', 'ieatcrunchylettuce', and 'scrawnychicken.'

Why? you ask? in your shrill voiced, frightened way... *SIGH*   Leettle grasshoppah, come hee-uhre. I shall enlighten you. It is after all one of my favorite jobs, enlightening the world with my brilliant flashes of insight.

I've come to the realization that by referring to myself as 'reasonablychubby' I'm doomed to suffer with perpetual plumpness. Yes, it's a cute name. Adorable if you ask me. ReasonablyChubby... it rolls off the lips, and makes me want to eat a whole stick of butter. BUT.... I'm reinforcing an image of rotund roundness in moo-wah's mind.   (I realize 'suffer' is a relative term. If one considers eating cheesecake 'suffering' then so be it. And sometimes I suffer and take midday naps. When I could potentially be outside sweating in 100 degree weather burning additional calories.)

So, you see? If I refer to myself as the self-disciplined, tiny boned woman that I really am, ( *see above picture*  ) I IMMEDIATELY get a craving for broccoli and sparkling water straight from the tap. Or, 'agua' as I like to call it.

Yes, that's another benefit. Thinking of myself as the tall, world traveling, you can't see me when I step behind that stop sign, my gawd her cheeks are sunken that woman must never eat supermodel that I am, I immediately gain the ability to speak fluent Spanish. Taco, burrito, quesadilla, fajita, salsa, cheeps with lots of salt, queso, rice and beans...

Adios amigos!

The New Love Of My Life

2010-06-15T08:27:00.000-05:00

I don't know how I forgot to include this in my anniversary pictures...this piece of manna- from- heaven, melt- in- your- mouth, I-can die-now, hallelujah-and-amen piece of Wonderfulness. It's called Banana Foster's Cheesecake.

And it was almost the highlight of our trip to New Orleans. I kid you not. We still haven't fully emerged from the sugar buzz it created. Mr. Wonderful and I have been staring at each other with glazed eyes and loopy grins for two days now.

Yeah, yeah, I know. You're thinking, "well that's somehow not surprising coming from a fatty-potatty like yourself."
I hear your jealousy. I understand.
But seriously. I miss it already.

Hey, by the way, did you see I now have 54 FOLLOWERS!!! whoo-hoo! I'm on my way to nekkidness in Rome...I'm going to go scream into my pillow.

Today Is Our One Year Anniversary!

2010-06-13T13:07:00.000-05:00

For our one year anniversary we went to New Orleans...

And stayed in a lovely bed and breakfast! All planned by my very own Mr. Wonderful.

Mr. Wonderful, posing...Wendell needs his smoking jacket and pipe.

Welcome to the parlor... Care for tea dahling?

And here we have the bathing situation. Um, dahling, precious, pumpkin-pie.... where's the shower???

It's been a wonderful year! Happy Anniversary to my sweetie!

No Wonder I Can't Remember Anything

2010-06-10T09:48:00.000-05:00

I've been doing this all week. As in, Every Single Day. My brain is now officially fried from the sand, surf and sun and I'm loving every minute of it.

And here's the ridiculous part. Although I'm wearing a bathing suit EVERY SINGLE DAY I eat what I want, when I want. Because for some reason after being at the beach all day I feel as if I've run a marathon or two.

I literally have tricked myself into thinking I'm exercising. When in reality, I'm laying there.

Anytime I get hot and sweaty I think I'm exercising. It makes perfect sense. It's honestly the best exercise program I've ever put myself on. You should try it sometime.

You can thank me later...after you've lost your tan and have to face your white dimpled thighs, twenty pounds heavier in some cruel flourescent-lit dressing room.

Until then, enjoy!

I was going to tell you something, but I can't remember what it was...

2010-06-08T09:53:00.000-05:00

I WAS going to tell you something very important. Life changing...probably. But, I can't remember what it was.

Well, durn, and dang, and shoot, and all those other words I use when I'm slightly irritated.

I only pull out the big guns when I'm really, really mad. That's how you know I. AM. REALLY MAD. Because you certainly wouldn't be able to tell from my bulging eyes and throbbing forehead vein.

Anyway, back to the life changing info. Sorry, I can't remember it. I'm sure it was something FANTASTIC to help you lose weight, win a million bucks, or live the life of your dreams.

Or, it had to do with used coffee grounds.

Carry on brave soldiers, carry on.

In the meantime, I'll set up my paypal account and let you know where to send your money...

I think I'll go sit in the little hole under the bridge until I think of it...

I'm Now Available For Speaking Engagements

2010-06-07T12:55:00.001-05:00

You think I'm kidding? I am so not kidding. I'm a speaker now...Ahem,...(clearing of the throat. I do that alot ever since the 'cream cheese' contest. I don't know if I'll ever be the same.)

Grand and Glorious Topics of Inspiration:

1. How to survive your divorce and come out stronger, SEXIER, and happier than you ever thought possible!

Gosh, that's an ugly picture...But it does inspire. Dear Lord, if she can do it, so can I!

I mean, if that ain't sexy, I don't what is.

2. How to meet the man of your dreams. In three easy payments.

Need I say more?

3. Dare is always somepin' to be DANKFUL for, you gots to open yo' eyes chile!
Alligator-On-A-Stick brings out the preacher in me.

And last, but not the very last

4. You are full of potential!
Look at this small acorn. You would never know just by looking at it all the beauty it contains. Have some faith, and trust God with every area your life...

5. Because Great Things Come From Little Things.

I have spoken. It is so.

Public speaking isn't scary at all. I just did it, and it was no problemo.

I bet learning Portugese isn't that hard either...

Shocking! I know...

2010-06-04T08:54:00.001-05:00

Well folks, I didn't win the Paula Deen cream cheese recipe contest. SHOCKING!!... I know. Even with that last big bite in honor of the grand dame herself it wasn't enough. Oh well, I don't regret it. Not the 'big bite', or the weeks of cream cheese indulgence because it was superduperdupity FUN! I've come to the conclusion that I will need to video all cooking endeavors henceforth. It's the only way I feel like cooking...Can you imagine how thrilled Mr. Wonderful is about this new revelation of mine? He's my professional cameraman. Now, he's got purpose and an opportunity to actually have a hot supper. All after a hard day's work.

By the way, here's another SHOCKING!! fact. I didn't win the lotto powerball of $210 million...

AND, I'm not a professional photographer. I know. THAT news probably just caused you to spew your coffee out of your mouth and ruin the white blouse you had so carefully ironed.

P.S. I love you my faithful readers...shocking! I know...because normally I hate people...not really...only if you get on my nerves and are stupid and dumb...but you aren't like that...wanna share my block of cream cheese?

Mothers, Ducks and Other Very Scary Objects

2010-06-03T09:56:00.000-05:00

You all know by now that I live in Paradise. Not only have I told you, I've shown you picture after picture. I've bragged incessantly and consistently for months...And here I go again.

Look below...did I just hear a faint gasp of delight escape from your lips?

I thought so.

The picture above is a pond at the local park, a few blocks from my house. (That's the bragging part, because really, does it matter that it's a few blocks from me? Why yes, yes it does. Thankyou for asking)

But what this is REALLY about is fear...See this man,who happens to be my father? And that woman, with a look on her face that says, "Here we go again...", she's my mother.

And she's about to torment my father. He's afraid of birds. Terribly, deathly, thumb-sucking, mind boggling , rocking in the fetal position afraid...

So, she takes him straight to the duck pond.

Honey, look! It's just a wittle pwecious baby duckling...Isn't he cute?

Here come Mother and Father! How sweet! A duck family!

Now, Honey, don't be afraid. It's just the aunts and uncles and cousin who've come over to say "hi".

And then, she gets within inches of the wild-peck-your-eyes-out-at-any-moment duck family.

It's these kinds of things that cause people to crack up. Or use crack.

Later, we all relaxed with a little bit of ~~crack,~~ candy and recovered from the trauma.

She'll probably want to brush an alligator's teeth next time they visit.

Cream and Blueberry Trifle

2010-06-02T08:50:00.001-05:00

Dahlings! Here is my final CREAM CHEESE video.
Wish me luck, won't you? If you won't or you don't, just lie and tell me you will...

Oh, The Struggle Of It All

2010-06-01T10:46:00.001-05:00

Graduation...Rap.

Yo, my little boy has grown

I wish I woulda known

He's gonna be so tall

It makes me wanna bawl.

Yo, he's smart and he's nice

His hair ain't got no lice

He ain't skinny like me

He's as big as a tree

I love him, yo

Yes, this weekend started with a graduation and ended with a parade. In between there were two graduation parties, dinner and a movie with girlfriends, a Georgia bulldog softball game, going to church with my girls, walking in the park, and cleaning a disgusting rental house, from which I am still scarred. I had fun, but I'm simply worn out from the "work" involved. The work I'm referring to? Why, serious picture taking of course. No easy task when you're dealing with CERTAIN PEOPLE, whose names I will tell you if you ask me. No, really, I will. I want to. I insist.

The proud father and son.

Exciting, and sentimental...I attempted to capture on camera the happy faces of those who know and love this boy.

The struggle begins... this father/son "photo" took no less than three attempts.

However, this photo, Granny and Kyle, took ONE try.

Sheer perfection.

And this photo.

Aunt Kay and cousin Stephen...easy. I took three photos, all of equal and excellent quality.

Hmmmm...

Later that same weekend...

The motley crew arrives for the Parade.

I decided to document for posterity the love, the joy, the good times and happy faces.

One...

The sun is in my eyes he whines as she snaps the photo anyway.

Two...

He lashes out.

Three...

I could just give up...Never!

Finally. With heads forcefully pressed together we have success.

Note to self: Mr. Wonderful needs to feel like a siamese twin to take a good picture. Knowing this could have saved me alot of time and effort this weekend.

More forceful head pressing...

Note to self: Don't ever do that again. Does not produce desired photo.

One...

Guess who's taking the picture?

Two...

Hey, wait! Tell us when...

VICTORY!!

Lots of 'gritted teeth talking' going on...Use your imagination...

                                                  Look at this adorable old fashioned firetruck.
                                                  It didn't give me any trouble.
                                                  Hope you all had a great weekend!

Look At It!

2010-05-26T23:13:00.001-05:00

Look at this beautiful, gorgeous, Gulf of Mexico sea water.

The white sandy beaches...

It looks like I'm holding up a disabled man.

I am.

His brain doesn't work when exposed to large amounts of sunlight.

Well, I just wanted you to see it before the you-know-what-comes.
OIL.
Maybe it won't. I hope it doesn't. But until then, I'm going as often as possible.

By next 'Pondering Tuesday' I'll look a 100 years old. And speak with an accent of unknown origin. You won't be able to see me at all when it's dark outside. 'A fine piece of oiled leather'...
I may regret my 7X magnifying mirror at that point.

P.S. People. I wear sunscreen. I cannot help eet eef ther ees Brazeelian een my blud...
P.S.S. Okay,I made up the 'Brazilian' part. But I do tan easy. Chubby people look better tan, so its a good thing. Happy Memorial Day Weekend!
P.S.S.S. Talk to ya Tuesday

Pondering Tuesday...Very Important Message!

2010-05-25T14:42:00.000-05:00

I Felt The Need To Frighten You Today

2010-05-25T10:07:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it just happens.

I wake up, jump out of bed and search frantically through my high school yearbook trying to find proof that I was once young and beautiful. I found this instead.

Somebody stop the madness.

Hard to believe I've been able to get married not once, but TWICE. How many of you can say that? Huh, Huh, Huh?? (Trust me, I can turn anything into a badge of honor.)

And then I somehow miraculously produced three little girly girls, while my Mother raised her fist to heaven shouting, "It's not fair!".
*sigh* Oh, but it is. After all, I did have to sleep with pink rollers in my hair EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT of my growing up years. (bitterness seems to be lingering...I'll lay on the couch later and you can give me therapy)

Anyway, don't ask me where these 3 little princesses came from. I don't know how it happened. Just promise me you won't ever let me cut my hair THAT SHORT again.

Can you imagine how thrilled my girls are everytime they're out with me, and someone exclaims, 'You look just like your Mother!'

Found! Thurston Howell and His wife Lovey

2010-05-24T08:35:00.001-05:00

When you live in a small town full of old people there's not much to do on a Friday night.

Except this.

Yes, folks. We've become sunset chasers. You've heard of storm chasers? Well, uh...this is exactly the same thing. I hang perilously out of the car window yelling, "Go, Go, Gooooo! We're going to miss it!"

And then because my adrenaline is surging to the max, I may even yell some more. HURRY!!! WE"RE MISSING IT!

Mr. Wonderful puts the pedal to the metal and by golly, another sunset is conquered! And then I always always say, "look at it, isn't it GORGEOUS!" He answers, 'yeah, it looks like that every time." I gasp in horror and disbelief at his lack of amazement and remind him that he should never, never NEVER lose his sense of childlike wonder. I glare at him. He nods his head in agreement.

All is right in the world.

That's how we spend our Friday nights.

But then, Saturday comes.

This Saturday to add a little spice to our lives we decided to go to "Pirates Cove". Aye, mateys. It's basically a small dive with live music, 100 dogs laying on the porch, and beer, tattoos and clouds of cigarette smoke.

I'm not sure we fit in.

With two cups of diet coke, and a strong fake English accent, he asks, "Lovey, where's our Yacht?"

P.S. Yes, he really is THAT white. His skin repels the sun.

It was an adventure. Surrounded by pirates on harley's, Thurston Howell and his wife Lovey had a marvelous time.

Help! I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up!

2010-05-21T09:35:00.000-05:00

Dark and mysterious...what does it all mean? And why is there a neon light involved? Am I having an 80's flashback? These are the questions you're asking yourself.

No I'm not.

Yes you are.

No.

Yes.

Nooooo...

Whatever.

Aha! A clue! Yes, friends this is a skating rink. A rink so old, so dank and dark I thought it resembled the bowels of hell. Plus, the floor was bumpy. Floors in skating rinks should not be 'bumpy'. It makes it difficult to twirl. I'm all about the twirling.

Not.

See this man? This man is so much more than "just a man." He's a roller skater extraordinaire! He's poetry on skates, a ballet dancer on wheels. He's cool, he's smooth, he's FLASHDANCE and FOOTLOOSE all rolled into one. He is Skatecity.

C'mon, he says...It's easy. Nothing to it. It's FUN!

Lies. All lies, and he looked me right in the eye when he said it.

An innocent lamb led to the slaughter. Look at that face! So full of hopes and dreams...

What an idiot.

Two SECONDS later. That's how long I skated. It's hard for me to remember if it was fun or not. I didn't enjoy the "my life is flashing before my eyes part", but other than that I'm pretty sure I had a blast.

This is the last picture. I took it from the ground, whilst laying down.

She remained upright at all times, all smiles and laughter.

Showoff.

Mr. Skatecity couldn't even look at me, so deep was his disgust.

Or maybe it's that I requested the song "Dancing Queen" right in the middle of his leg lift, double axel, roller derby splits move. It doesn't matter. Because let's face it, this activity has been ruled out as a shared life passion. Maybe we'll take up weeding together.

Take My Picture Already, Would Ya?

2010-05-19T22:12:00.000-05:00

Brooke and I went to tea today. The tearoom was lovely, and I wanted to memorialize this moment for all time. I pulled out my trusty, cheap piece of Kodak Easy Share and held it up...

Say Tea!...No good. Let's do it again.

Say, Tea!...Uh, Brooke apparently you have a lazy eye. Funny, I've never noticed it before... Again.

Say Tea! Brooke...wow. Did you know that you're crosseyed? Or high. Or drunk. Honey, it's only 10am.

Again...*I know, I'll catch her by suprise, then she'll for sure have that wide-eyed bambi look...Mama's are so smart.

SAY TEA!... Good Lord...

Let ME show you how to do it...See? It's easy. Now, OPEN YOUR EYES AND SAY TEA!

Awww. Such a pretty girl...

*through gritted teeth* I hate you mom.

I know honey, I know.

Just Kidding! We love each other so much and had so much fun! Tea was DELIGHTFUL!

Brooke, age 2

Awww...such a pretty girl!

Pondering Tuesday...Where's My Job?

2010-05-18T16:22:00.000-05:00

I Was A Fifth Grade Prom Queen

2010-05-17T11:21:00.008-05:00

And Other Lies I Tell Myself.

Fifth grade was my best year ever. Which is kind of bad when you're 44 years old. That means I had my best year 34 years ago... At least I had one.

I feel the need to share it with you. Because that's what we do. We share. So here goes:

THE TOP TEN BEST THINGS ABOUT MY 5TH GRADE YEAR, AKA LIFE...

Jaunita...'nuff said.
Mr. Terbush. He was my teacher and I was madly in love with him. He was handsome and played the guitar and most important I was his favorite student in the whole world....Trust me, I know these things.
I almost won the "princess" of our class contest. There was a tie between me and Angelina, and I graciously allowed her to have it. I humbly said, 'You darling, you be Princess.' Actually I couldn't face knowing I lost if I would've lost...so now I'll never know, and I'm at peace. It was a good call.
I received a couple of love poems from Richard, a short round boy who wore glasses. He was very sweet, and I was flattered.
Tim, the red-head liked me. He was taller, so I liked him back.
I got to be crossing-guard at recess. A dream come true. It included a bright orange vest, an orange stick, and power. I took it very seriously. I wish I still had the stick.
Mr. Terbush. I'm sorry, but he deserves to be on here twice. He was after all the first love of my life. I hated the weekends...I LOVE YOU MR. TERBUSH! WILL YOU MARRY ME?
Bobby, who I played 'foursquare' with everyday. And then I told him I liked him. And he looked horrified and said something like "ew, gross!" Oh, well. Tim the redhead knew a good thing when he saw one.
I made a conservation poster and won an 'honorable mention' ribbon. I was thrilled. Little did I know I should have polyurethaned it and super-glued it to my body, permanently. This was before I clued in to the fact I wasn't crafty. Or artsy. Or musical.
I had to get glasses. And I tried my hardest to fail the hearing test, but my hearing proved fine. Bummer! What could possibly be more awesome? Glasses AND a hearing aid...

Yep, Fifth grade. I could still spit water through the gap in my front teeth. I told ya I was a prom queen!

Speaking Of Short People

2010-05-14T10:12:00.000-05:00

My 3 kids...oldest is 5'10, middle is 5'10,...and thankfully the baby is a petite 5'8, size 10 shoe.
My prayers were answered.

It's true. I've always wanted to be tiny. As in itty-bitty, teeny-weeny, yellow polka dot bikini. However, since I hail from the land of Largeness, I've instead developed an un-natural obsession for little people. Take my parents for example. They're fairly small. My dad is 5'9 and my mom is 5'6. And I'm obsessed with them. In that, how did you two do this to me? sort of way. My mom reminds me she had a brother who was 6'11.

Oh, so there's pure freakishness in my genes. That explains much, concerning my muchness.

It started in the fifth grade with my BFF Juanita.
After accepting the rejection of Holly Bashford,who wasn't that short anyway, I moved on and found a new friend I could keep with me at all times in my back pocket.

Juanita was my own little "polly pocket", and she looked up to me. Literally.

Actually, I'm pretty sure I was like a Mother to her. After all, I already wore a 'extra-support' bra, was taller than the teacher, and had the distinct ability of taking charge.

Juanita was the smallest kid in class, and I was the tallest. Weighing less than 40 pounds, her voice was no louder than a squeak, while mine was a deep husky boom.

Oh, how I loved her. My little Juanita was so cute and adorable and she was Mexican. When I went to spend the night at her house, I couldn't understand a word her family said to me. I only knew I'd had to duck to enter the front door.

Like two magnets irresistibly drawn together we were INSTANT best friends.
We had nothing in common, and I don't remember talking very much to each other. Did Juanita speak English? All I know is that we understood each other, sat by each other everyday at lunch, and were BFF's.

I love you short people...everywhere...if you need me to carry you on my hip somewhere I will. :)

Tijuana Torte

2010-05-13T09:30:00.003-05:00

Look at my face...I'm the Church Lady! "Well, now, isn't that special?"

Hey guys! I've entered the Paula Deen/Real Women Of Philadelphia Cream Cheese recipe contest. Which helps explain my 'larger than life' persona...(how many ways can you say Amazon?)
I've never eaten so much cream cheese in all my life. I just lay around, licking blocks of the creamy deliciousness until another recipe idea pops into my head. So far its worked pretty well. This is my fifth one.

Wait...something's stuck in my throat...oh, it's just leftover residue from the 40 tons of cream cheese I've inhaled in the last 48 hours.

Amazon Woman Goes Beserk!

2010-05-12T09:03:00.001-05:00

Okay. It Has To Be Addressed:

What, praytell, must be addressed?
Oh, you know. The fact that I'm an Amazon.
We might as well discuss it and get it out of the way.

I'm sure you had no idea I was an Amazon Woman. You thought I was on the small, petite, short, cute, reasonably chubby side of life. Didn't you?
Or, you thought I was medium, beautiful, gorgeous, sorta kinda tall, and reasonably chubby. Didn't you?
But you didn't know I was gigantic, large, very large, huge, humongous, and almost beyond reasonably chubby. DID YOU?
Whew. I didn't think so. Because if you did know and you didn't tell me, why, I don't know what I would do...Prank call you? Saran wrap your toilet seat? Lash out and say ugly things? Yo mama wears army boots. But, you didn't know. Now you do. We all do and I feel so much better.
Thus, I give you proof.
Did I really just say 'thus'?

Look at the picture above.
No, stare at it.
Do you see what I see? My BOOBs are the same size as the new families heads. And, I'm 7ft. tall. I had to get on my knees just to be in the picture.
Shocking, isn't it?
I don't know why I'm so shocked. I've always been the tallest in my class. It all began at birth. Hospital nursery? Tallest. Entire human race? Tallest. New York City skyline? Tallest. Always the Tallest. And now the Biggest.
There are some benefits to being an Amazon. For example, I need not fear running out of gas on a lonesome, dark highway. I can pick the car up with my brute strength, which all Amazons possess, and carry it on my back to the nearest gas station. I can also carry 5 children on one hip at the same time. And cook supper while sewing matching denim jumpers for the family. Yes, these are the benefits. Who cares if I can't find a jogbra that fits even after looking for hours and going to thousands upon thousands of stores?

Let me know if you need help with any heavy lifting...

I Almost Shot Milk Out Of My Nose

2010-05-11T09:08:00.001-05:00

It's true, I swear on my mother's grave, (except she's still alive) I ALMOST SHOT MILK STRAIGHT OUT OF MY NOSE THIS MORNING!!

THAT will wake you up...

I had just taken a sip of the special morning beverage which strengthens thy bones, and dove back into reading "Aunt Erma's Cope Book", written by the hilarious Erma Bombeck. Note to self: Don't ever do that again.

And that reminds me of second grade, when Holly Bashford, my best, best friend in the whole world (except I wasn't her best friend...I'm obviously still needing tons of therapy to get over it.) did shoot milk out of her nose while eating lunch in the school cafeteria.

It was a sight to behold. I wish I could see it again. And here's the part I liked the best. It happened because of something I said. Something funny I'd said, and then BAM!...a fountain of milk. I never felt so good in all my life and I've never been the same. It was Life Changing I tell you.

Right after that, at the lunch table, I broke out my ability to make a 'nub' and pet it with my 'crippled hand'. It was received well. Big laughs and a few, 'oh that is weirds', but no more milk fountains.

So now I roam the earth, trying to recreate what happened in second grade. So far, no luck. Other than this morning...and that was only an almost, and its not quite as much fun being the actual milk fountain. I want to create one. I'm driven, in a psychopathic I won't stop 'til you do, type of way. Can you please start drinking milk when you read this blog and let me know if 'IT' happens? Because I don't think I'm going to feel complete in my life until it does.

Thankyou for your support.

SECOND GRADE: My quest for another Nose Milk Fountain begins...

Okay, I'm Not Gonna Lie...

2010-05-10T09:47:00.000-05:00

At first, it was bugging me...that these three daughters o'mine were missing in action on Mother's Day. They were hours away, spending the entire day, MOTHER'S DAY, with their father. And I don't blame them, if you catch my drift.

Gulp. Father, forgive me, for I am about to hurt somebody.

Yes, there were reasons. Somewhat valid reasons for this holiday, shall we say, faux pas?
But for a moment, the reasons didn't matter. It bugged me. Something seemed wrong about it.
Perhaps the simple fact that it was MOTHER'S DAY and I'm the MOTHER?
I don't know, call me crazy.

But the point is, I came to terms with it. And this is what helped me:

Meeting Bill Leonhard and his two daughters, Anna and Kessia. Bill and his wife, Penny are missionaries with Wycliff Bible Translators. They served in Ghana, Africa for 26 years. Penny, Bill's wife passed away this February 2, from cancer. And of course, Bill and his daughters (there's 2 more not pictured, and 3 sons, not pictured, that's a total of 7 kids, just in case you're not good with math) are dealing with their grief and coping with their first Mother's Day without Penny. She was only 59, had served the Lord with all her heart in Africa for most of her adult life, had adopted four little girls adding to their family of five, and was loved and adored by all.

Doesn't seem fair, does it?
But we who know and love God, trust Him. We trust that He knows exactly what He is doing. That He has a plan for our lives, and that He is, according to His word, working all things for the good of those who love him. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons neither the present nor the future nor any powers neither height nor depth nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

And so, I ended up having a marvelous Mother's day! Surrounded by new family and new friends, I can see that God is faithful and is always in the business of blessing our lives.

I'm happy my children were able to spend the weekend with their dad. After all, they need their father in their lives and they miss him when he's not there. And yes, I'm pretty sure I might be a saint.

With love,
Reasonably Chubby
That's Saint Reasonably Chubby to you, Mister.

You Know You're Hormonal When...

2010-05-06T22:17:00.020-05:00

I know for sure, with absolute certainty I'm "hormonal" when I find myself tearing up at Home Depot commercials. I mean, seriously? The people in their little orange aprons with big smiling faces...I wish they were my friends. *sob*. Hallmark card commercials? I'm on the floor, a puddled mess of a woman.

It certainly doesn't help that my middle daughter, my precious child, who was in Europe for 3 months finally came home and stayed with me for 2 weeks. And then she left. Some ridiculous, "but mother I do have a job waiting for me and I need to find an apartment for the Fall semester" excuse she's been using since she was 10.

Two glorious, enchanted weeks, where we laughed and played and played and laughed. And giggled. And cooked. And talked. And watched movies. And biked. And shopped. And loved on each other.

I must stop now before I hyperventilate.

It's not easy coming to terms with the 'empty nest' years.

I loved being home with my 3 girls. I babied them, saying things like, I wub oo.

"We wub oo too mommy." Poor little dumb kids. Then, we'd all pile up on the couch together, like puppies from the same litter, and watch Disney movies and eat candy. Or the girls would play dress up, and stay outside all day pretending the 'hot lava' was coming...ohhh, the scary hot lava! I know, it makes no sense. That they did this until they were in high school. Poor little weird kids.

Unlike the mothers of today, I didn't raise baby geniuses, toddler Phds, or Preschool Einsteins.

No, I talked to them in baby talk until last year. Would oo like a cup of wa-wa? "Es pwees".

And then I sent them to college.

I know they'll be back. Someday. When they need a built in babysitter, or a loan. And I'll be here waiting for them and their babies, and I hope I like their husbands and that their husbands like me. (although, evil mother-in-law does have a certain ring to it, doesn't it?)

Until then, the Ford pick-up truck commercial just came on. I gotta go...

P.S. I wub oo ebbybody, Happy Mudders Day!

How Do All the Crazy People Find Each Other?

2010-05-06T09:13:00.001-05:00

It's amazing, isn't it? The way crazy people always manage to find each other. Weird people attract other weird people, then mate, creating weird little children. Cool popular people find the other cool populars and ride off into the sunset together.

Oh. My. GAWD. My first Oprah aha! moment. (I was wondering if I would ever have one of those in my lifetime.) I think I've just discovered the REAL REASON my first marriage failed. I'm weird and husband #1 was quite normal. Husband #2 however...that's a different story altogether. More like a match made in heaven.

Lots and lots of stupid jokes, impersonations, idiocy, and nonsense does a good marriage make. When you're weird, I mean. And we are both very very weird.

If you're cool and popular then you need polo shirts, flashy cars and diamonds.

Crazy? Celebrate with the padded room, rocking, sucking your thumb activities you love so much. Do them together for a bonding moment.

Ahhh, life. Sweet, ironic, bitter life. Sorry, kids. I mated with a "normal", so two of you are weird(you know who you are) and one is not. Hopefully this insight will help you more than any college education you may get.

Go ye therefore and... mate? (But not before you're married, or I'll have to kill you.) And have a wonderful day!

I'm Not Crafty, So Shoot Me

2010-05-04T23:53:00.003-05:00

I will never, ever, EVER get over the fact that I'm 'not crafty.'

It hurts bad, a throbbing not-tonight-dear headache sort of bad.

And I can't sing beautifully either. At least not well enough to audition for American Idol. *sigh*

I love music and art, but no. I'm unable to participate in these activities on any level other than below basic kindergarten. (Piano lessons for 6 years...I can't play a note or read music.) I'm only good at the kazoo, and even then I'm only ok, but drawing, painting, collage-making, sewing, CRAFTING? Fuh-get-about-it.

Why God why?

Probably because He gave me the 'fake English accent' ability. It's true, I do enjoy talking to myself randomly throughout the day as the daffy English lady, but still.

What if it gets cold outside and I outgrow all my sweaters and need to make one?

Or what if I'm the only one without laryngitis, and need to sing the National Anthem at the next Little League baseball game?

The quandaries of life. Some questions will never be answered. Thanks goodness for 'Pondering Tuesdays'. At least all the big, important questions get answered. The rest is just silly drivel and back-talk.

Let The Pondering Begin!

2010-05-04T15:56:00.007-05:00

Hello friends! I've just come in from a very difficult workout...well, I went walking...so it's not your imagination. I'm in full glistening mode. And I wanted to be pretty! Sob!

Look at me... pondering my little brain out. It's the best I could do today, considering it took no less than 3 cameras, 8 hours, and quite a few four letter words, (not including the word love) to achieve this little piece of TV...doo-doo?

Hold me...

Dahlings, Put On Your Pondering Hats...

2010-05-04T08:01:00.004-05:00

Good morning dears. You'll never believe what today is...why, it's Ponder Tuesday! Check back this afternoon for a wonderful pondering presentation that will blow your socks off!

P.S. that may have been a bit of an exaggeration... the it will blow your socks off...

Do We Have An Oldest In The House Tonight?

2010-05-03T06:48:00.001-05:00

Oh, me! me! Pick me!

I'm an oldest!

Heard that before? Thought so. Once a teacher's pet, always a teacher's pet. I should know. Besides, that's how we oldest kids are. We like being first, we like being right, we like being THE OLDEST.

We live by the 'don't ask, I will tell you what to do, and when to do it' policy.

As in 'hey, we're going to the movie. C'mon, let's go.' There is no, "would you like to go to the movie?' Because of course you would, and anyway if I ask you then there will be all kinds of hemming and hawing, 'well what time is it?' and 'where is it?' questions I don't have time for.

I'm going, you're going, let's go!

We can't help it, we're born this way.

Ever since Mother birthed the motley crew that came after us and expected us to teach them.

We became BOSS. Happy to oblige ma'am, happy to oblige.

Siblings are used to it. Spouses are not. Research indicates oldest children should not marry each other under any circumstance. Too many pieces of chicken in the soup, not enough noodles. Or something like that.

Research Mesearch. Two marriages, and all spouses involved are THE OLDEST.

First Marriage: Uh huh...uh uh...uh huh...uh uh...UH HUH!... UH UH!

Second Marriage: Dearest, would you mind taking out the trash? If it's alright with you I mean...

Dearest, would you like me to massage your feet with precious oil and wipe it with my hair?

Even my daughter has noticed that things are different this time around.

"Wow Mom, you've changed. Things don't tick you off like they used to."

I've ma-toor-ed, that's what it is. Some day you will be ma-toor as well, which means you will have learned the great lesson of life: It's not all about yew.

"Sigh... You're still very weird."

I am?

Well at least I'm ma-toor now.

With that, she shrugged and went to the kitchen to cook us some supper. Not because I told her to, because she wanted to, God bless her.

How ma-toor.

If Loving You Is Wrong Then I Don't Wanna Be Right

2010-05-01T04:35:00.000-05:00

There may be many things wrong in this country ...but this ain't one of 'em.

My middle daughter, the well adjusted pretty one, loves to COOK. Let us bow for a word of prayer and thanksgiving...

Hallelujah and Thankyou Jesus!

"Mom," she yelled from the den, "the cupcakes aren't cool yet. Don't eat one...I still need to ice them."

"Mom?"

My mouth was full at that moment so I couldn't answer. But trust me, I know how to ice a cupcake...

And eat it very very fast...

And destroy the evidence before anybody realizes what's going on.

And smile secretly to myself, knowing none will be the wiser.

Goodwill Is My Life, Obviously

2010-04-30T17:22:00.002-05:00

Read Post Below.

After reading it myself, I realized I should immediately be hired by Goodwill as their CEO. Or at least as a cashier.

Hilarious, The Way You Thought You Could Stop Me

2010-04-30T10:56:00.018-05:00

From Tweeting, I mean. Yeah, I know. You never read any of my tweets that were on the sidebar of this blog and you think you could care less about what I'm up to on a minute by minute basis.

But I know better. I always do. How else will we ever become BFF'S?

And so I give you...My living room. I just dusted it. That's why it's on here. I figured you'd want to know.

And then I went to Goodwill and purchased these two lovelies...

And then...this happened. Remember how I refused to pay the $5.00 for the office chair two Saturdays ago? This bad boy cost me $15. I've learned my lesson, and it's so worth it. My back is now singing the Hallelujah chorus.

At that very same garage sale, I talked the lady into taking $20 for this picture, instead of $25...Amazing how ugly it looked in her house and how terrific it looks in mine. :)

And this little beauty...$5. We needed a grill and what could be better than a rusted piece of junk to cook some ka-bobs? This could've been a mistake...thank goodness for Goodwill. They get all my mistakes.

I just finished reading this. Purchased from Goodwill about a week ago, I enjoyed it tremendously. Did you just yawn? Best friends don't yawn when other best friends are sharing. I can tell you have alot to learn...from me. Together we can grow. And you can change. I recommend it especially if you like good stories about love and loss and friendship. If you don't then something's obviously wrong with you, but don't worry our friendship can be salvaged. Do you like candy?

Whew! I've just realized all that I've accomplished today and frankly, I'm impressed. I'm so happy we're gonna be Best Friends Forever...

I'll call you after my nap.

Remember This?

2010-04-29T02:30:00.020-05:00

Mr. Wonderful diligently hand painting our little cottage-by-the-bay?

No? That'll teach you. Don't you ever,ever, EVER miss a post of mine again, do you hear me? Don't make me pull this car over...

Or this? Me sneaking into the kitchen for a 'candy fix'? When he thought I was out back rototilling, or sorting out the recycling bins...this man's a dreamer I tell ya.

Well, thanks to all his hard work and patience and diligence and me sitting and watching for moral support...TaDa!!! We Now Have This!
Precious Little Cottage instead of Hideous Ugly Eyesore

I hope to someday in the very near future, tomorrow? 30 minutes from now? add these in front of the house as well.

And I still like these. Oh, yes I do. Confucius say: Watching house painting and candy-they good for soul.

I've Gone Plumb Crazy!

2010-04-27T15:12:00.002-05:00

And yet ANOTHER post in honor of National Pondering Day...I do believe I've gone plumb crazy! Somebody take the video camera away from me.

VLOGGING IS MY LIFE NOW!!!!

*Push the little triangle again...Just in case you've already forgotten how to do it.

Exercise Is Fun To Watch

2010-04-27T10:10:00.005-05:00

*push the play button, the little triangle right above...for the technologically backward...I'm here for you, for I am you.

I love watching exercise videos. They're always so inspirational...

Why is the videographer breathing heavy as well as the exerciser?

Something to PONDER...

*see post below. Don't forget it's National Ponder Day!